Adults Failing our Children?

The last time I checked…adults were supposed to be the ones providing good examples for children. Ironically, the opposite seems to be occurring the wider we focus our lens. If you happened to peruse the top headlines yesterday you would have seen stories like these:

“Governors Propose National Education Standards…48 governors seek nationwide standards for what kids learn in school”

“Kansas City board OKs plan to close nearly half of schools“

7-Year-Old 911 Hero an Example for all Families
Experts Say Carlos Likely Saved His Family With Quick Thinking, 911 Call

At first glance you might say, “What’s the big deal?” You might even say that we have heard these stories before. If you dig a little deeper, though, you will see how desperate our educational system is at the present moment. The Kansas City school board voted to close down 28 out of 61 schools saving approximately $50 million dollars and shedding 700 jobs. CNN is reporting that schools in 17 states have opted to run four day weeks. The federal government assembled the nations governors in an effort to standardize English and Math standards. And…do I even need to comment on the fact that 48 out of 50 agreed. Alaska? Texas? I will take the 5th at the moment…hoping that they have better solutions to the ever-growing gap between American kids and the REST of the world.

As I dust my hands off from these appalling stories like a brick layer tired of the cement after a long arduous day…I find the story that has been plastered everywhere…little Carlos who calmly called 911 while protecting his sister as armed gunman stormed his home. As the media descends on this little guy we all find out that his mother regularly went through the proper procedures during an emergency. Smart. Concise. Thoughtful. These are the words that come to mind when I think about the effort made by his mother to lay the foundation for difficult work.

She is just one woman whereas the state and federal agencies and representatives are vast and, supposedly, representative of our communities.

Taking Down the Very Folks That Will Be Taking Care of YOU?

It is refreshing to know that somebody is being educated these days…even if reading, writing, and arithmetic are not. The irony can be found in the manner with which our educators are approaching the various problems at hand (i.e. low test scores, crowded classrooms, declining educator skills etc.)…and the irony is that we are scrambling to fix the problem.

We are scrambling like a kid who forgot he had a book report due today. Our schools are eroding, literally and figuratively, and the only thing we can think of is to throw test scores at the wall. We have decided to treat education and our children like NASCAR vehicles plastered with ads. It is and will always be about the almighty dollar unless we begin to focus on the way(s) children learn. Innovation does require funding and support from multiple levels. It requires a humble mindset. A way of thinking that looks at the experience of the audience….the child.

And, if that pains you too much to think about then think about what you liked/disliked when you were a student. What connected you to the material, inspired you to put forth the effort, and provided you with an overall pleasurable experience? It really isn’t that difficult. How do teachers and administrators feel? What works for them and what continues to befuddle them? After my work in education over the past 10 years I can tell you that the general consensus from educators is that they are inundated with new “campaigns” on a yearly and sometimes semester basis. A new way to score, a new way to observe, new boxes to check…and all we are doing is creating mass burnout.

You are getting slews of educators that aren’t enjoying their jobs anymore. They are asked for more and more with less and less professional development and support. The children see this coming and what you end up with is the makings of a perfect storm. Two disenfranchised groups of people who can’t wait for the awful song to be over…kinda like Simon Cowell screaming “rubbish!” after a grueling 2 minute karaoke audition. Ladies and gentlemen…we are not auditioning educational principles…we are preparing the next generation so that they will prepare the next.

Ah! You Scared Me! I thought You were trying to TEACH Me Something...

It is sad that widespread education has become a laughing stock to the participants and to our global neighbors. We have been so concerned with a child’s behavior that we have failed to ponder whether or not it is actually our methods that are eliciting dry heaves from our children.

We want our children and educators to wake up with some degree of optimism not pessimism. Tough decisions lie ahead. Some will be unpopular…some desperately needed. Get out of your comfy lazzyboy, stretch your legs, and get ready to stand up for the needs of the new world and the children tasked with saving it.

All the Best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Is Your Life a Waste of Time?

Oh the Oscars! Oh the Oscars! The award show for all award shows. The glitz, the glam, the awkward interviews about this designer and that designer. Blah, blah, blah. Right? A waste of time and money…right? Tradition? You and I might have different opinions about last night’s show, but there remains a reason why we all tuned in…

…we tuned in because each year one movie touches us. One movie reel spins a tapestry unique to you, your life and the trials and tribulations weaved throughout. We all celebrate those moments that whisk us away from ordinary, transpose our life for all to see, and reap the rewards of a like-minded character and storyline.

The beauty of the show is that when our “horse” wins we get a brief glimpse into their lives and approach. Some confirm our estimation of ignorance for the “common folk” and others remind us that good actors and movie magicians are thoughtful, well spoken humans who capture the day-to-day better than any bought-off politician aiming to win re-election. One such magician did just that…

Now he may have flown under the radar, but (Oscar for Best Original Score for “Up”) Michael Giacchino delivered the kind of acceptance speech that radiates long past the lights of Oscar night.

“Thank you, guys. When I was… I was nine and I asked my dad, “Can I have your movie camera? That old, wind-up 8 millimeter camera that was in your drawer?” And he goes, “Sure, take it.” And I took it and I started making movies with it and I started being as creative as I could, and never once in my life did my parents ever say, “What you’re doing is a waste of time.” Never. And I grew up, I had teachers, I had colleagues, I had people that I worked with all through my life who always told me what you’re doing is not a waste of time. So that was normal to me that it was OK to do that. I know there are kids out there that don’t have that support system so if you’re out there and you’re listening, listen to me: If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It’s not a waste of time. Do it. OK? Thank you. Thank you”
-Michael Giacchino

Mr. Giacchino’s speech got me thinking…Is he speaking of an epidemic? Could he be talking about the millions of children who are instructed not to be kids, but rather robots in classrooms? Could Mr. Giacchino be talking about the droves of women who are in marriages where tradition means one thing and support another? Or, maybe Mr. Giacchino was talking about all of the good, normal, and well-intentioned men who want to participate more in the lives of their children, but feel society’s mountain is just too steep to climb?

Thank You For Taking The Time

How many of us waste time…not because we are inept, but because we are scared to death to access life? How many people out there squash the dreams of others to keep our own dormant? Do you view life as a big waste of time? Do you look at the miracle of life and realize you are lead character or do you see life passing you by. Mr. Giacchino spoke poignantly to those children without support systems last night.

He reminded us all of the children in our lives and the children hidden deep within our hearts. Can we dust off the child inside, rediscover our dreams, and live a life filled with purpose?

Effort in anything we do is fraught with emotion. Effort brings reflection whether we like it or not. Why put effort into one thing or person and not another? Our relationships with our children, friends, work colleagues, and partners are all impacted by the belief we have in ourselves to achieve and overcome.

The true miracle is through demonstration. When we demonstrate commitment to our own dreams a little bit of “movie magic” touches the lives around us. For some of us, we were given wonderful examples from the caregivers in our lives…for others…well…we were left to friends, neighbors, educators, and yes characters on the big and small screens.

As so poetically said by a passing homeless man in Pretty Woman…“What’s Your Dream?” Never give up the most important mortal you know…YOURSELF! We only get one shot at this thing…make yourself proud. Be the best with the skills and attributes that make you a miracle!

All the Best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Are YOU Normal?

Just Wait for the Next Generation!

It becomes increasingly obvious that a segment of the population fears the word NORMAL. Maybe some folks think that it implies less than, adequate, or maybe even average when in fact it has NOTHING to do with performance!

Our country has sent us all down the river. Yes, this is a great country in so many ways but the messages we have sent down the stream to males and females can be devastating. Even I get sent down the river, as they say, by readers who send me angry notes of bewilderment. I sporadically receive some of these back-channel emails from individuals who are new to my blog and they ask what my definition of Normal really is. I am thankful for the reminder for both our sakes.

Re-establishing a marketing campaign for an entire generation can be daunting…but I am up for the challenge! I am showered, dressed, hair quaffed, new stylish glasses resting on the bridge of my nose…and oh yeah did some curls to exercise the ole biceps…mighty beneficial for a blogger these days. And, now that I am prepared for this challenge I want to reintroduce thoughts that I was recently asked to provide given the tenuous position our gender is in these days…

As I sit and ponder my place in the world I am reminded of the men who have gone before me, those around me, and those thrown at me. It has become increasingly hard to define what normal males look, sound and, maybe more importantly, act like.

On television and other media outlets, normal and male aren’t represented accurately or collectively, for that matter. We are inundated with reality TV shows about swapping wives and nannies who know better than parents. And on CBS we have men fighting in cages.

It is True...We are Humans During the Day...Superheros in our Dreams

I don’t see normal conversations about the experience of manhood or the shared activities and thoughts between a father and his children. I don’t see family shows depicting stable family life or marriages that one could be relatively proud of. What I see are dumb men who are presented as normal: men who don’t know how to respond to their spouses dreams, take care of the kids, or do anything requiring thought for others.

Can this be normal? I hope not, but I am gravely concerned that this is what our young children believe to be true. The bar for men has been set so low that the only direction to go, I hope, is up.

As our boys continue to struggle in academic settings and our adult men struggle to find their places at work and in the home, we need a change. We need to redefine what it means to be a part of this group called manhood not at the expense of women or children, not at the expense of common sense or traditional grunting during a playoff game, and not at the expense of our communities.

Redefining our gender requires adult men to think about it from a boyish stance. What do we want our boys thinking about when they think of themselves and this group they belong to? Do we want them to have a sense of pride for the good we contribute and the leadership taken through thoughtful discussion? Or do we want them to think of boys behaving badly at school, home, and work?

We Can't ALWAYS Be Perfect or Feel Invincible

In the 1980s we saw a redefinition take place for the youth of the African-American community. Prior to the Cosby Show, critics wondered how young African-Americans viewed themselves and what they could or could not accomplish when they grew up. Our media, to that point, had given limited opportunity for a child to see successful African-American children and their families. We are at a similar point in our history as men.

We have an opportunity to reshape the motivations of young men, and it will come at the cost of our own experiences. A certain level of grief can be expected when we begin exploring our lives and the motivations behind our good and bad decisions in the context of those who provided such lessons. It takes courage, community, and commitment from normal males to shepherd the next generation from I.S.S. (in school suspension) to college campuses where men are in danger of extinction to careers and families they can be proud of.

To be Normal ultimately means that one is fallible, successful, strong, weak, proud, humble—we are everything that encompasses a human being. Please do not support the notion that males only value comes through performance, but rather in the discretionary spaces of life where we can demonstrate both wisdom and compassion, emotion and direction, love and disappointment. We are many things…what we are not should NOT shape our direction now or ever as we steamroll into the future. The next generation of young men and boys need us and the next generation of young women and girls need us too. Let’s provide an accurate landscape that does not misrepresent the challenges and celebrations of life.

Best Wishes!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Were YOU Bathed in Ignorance? Taking Relationship Advice from Family…

Where did you learn about love?

You can probably admit that you are either in a relationship currently or that you have been in one at some point in your lifetime. You and I have selected mates out of spite, for something “different”, in the name of love, as a rebound, in secret, in public, to satisfy your family, and/or to prove something to yourself.

You have followed in someone’s footsteps, made the same mistakes your mother and/or father made or find that any mate you choose appears better than the choices of your messed up sibling. You and I have paraded certain “someone’s” to holiday gatherings, graduations, and Super Bowl parties. Some of our “better-halves” have embarrassed us, scorned us, and even left us when we least expected it.

Have any of us ever sat down to explore the reasons for our decisions and the origins of our approach? I have and cannot believe how some of my decisions were made and how they were based on people that have struggled to know the secret(s) to successful relationships themselves.

I would imagine that I am not alone. So many of us Normal folk make the most important decisions based on faulty information and examples. This is not to say that our friends and family intend to sway us in dead-end directions, but for some reason picking a mate purely based on the fundamentals of love can be fleeting—at best.  We can become so obsessed with proving people wrong that choosing the right mate is…well…sadly inconsequential.

When we examined the beginning of what men and women want in a relationship last week we did not include the root of our desires and those most influential in our decision making process. And, doesn’t it make sense to have a better understanding of our histories and those of our “cabinet” if we are going to search out the correct suitors?

Who has played Cupid for YOU?

Shouldn’t we utilize our critical thinking skills when evaluating whether or not a friend who has been divorced twice should influence our thought process? If our mother has been divorced three times should we listen to her opinion of our choice? How should you respond when your colleague gives a thumbs up or down on your new partner when they haven’t had an online nibble from Match.com?

It reminds me of a Jerry Seinfeld bit, years ago, where he talked about scouring the grocery store to find healthy looking people to ascertain their daily diet. “You look healthy…what do you eat.” Makes some sense doesn’t it? Whether or not genetics play a role is irrelevant to our basic understanding…we see someone fit and trim and we can assume that they aren’t on a name-by-name basis at the local burger purveyor.

Why can’t we take the same approach in love? Why can’t we avoid our train wreck family and seek out those amongst us with happy and healthy relationships? Because for many of us…at least during one phase of our life…we really want to prove our family wrong or right the wrongs of the past with one fateful trip to the Justice of the Peace. Some of you reading this will think that I have lost my marbles…and others will be honest with themselves even if only in the corners of your mind.

10 Questions to ask yourself in the privacy of your own mind and preferably not at the family picnic:

1. Who have you gone to for relationship advice in the past and Why?
2. How much of the advice given do you actually put into practice?
3. How do you evaluate the quality of advice given to you?
4. Has it been easier to receive advice from outsiders or your spouse?
5. Do you pick confidants based on the expected advice…to support you when you need it even if you know that you need more honesty?
6. Looking back, can you determine a pattern of advice givers and outcomes?
7. Why is it that I can ask for references for local plumbers, but not for relationship advisors?
8. What am I ultimately afraid I will hear if I seek out advice from those individuals successful in love?
9. Am I one of those that likes to give advice on love and not receive it myself?
10. Who is the best example of a loving partner and what has been their mantra and approach?

We have all been exposed to various relationships and taken away a number of lessons. The challenge before all of us is to accurately evaluate the sources of information, their motivations, and our reactions to their influence. When two individuals join in union they bring their collective assumptions and experiences, all of which can fit nicely together in the beginning…often faltering in the end.

What Should I Do Jerry?

The ability to balance our needs from those well intentioned and the partner we have chosen takes a level of deftness most of us have yet to perfect. The nuclear family has found a slippery slope in our country and role models for love and affection have become collateral damage. We are quickly becoming a nation that finds love advice from self-help isles, BRAVO TV, Governor Sanford, and The Enquirer. And…when we don’t find suitable answers, we seek out friends and family that either support our neuroses or challenge our better judgment.

If we have a shot at correctly predicting what the other sex wants and how we can successfully integrate our needs and wants we HAVE to take a realistic look at who we seek out for answers and examples. Nothing against friends and family, but the minute I find one of them relishing in my success because it rectifies their past…I need to question the advice given. Taking stock tips from your mailman might make them happy, but won’t do anything to your pocketbook. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions of yourself and those giving advice…your “right” partner will thank you.

Continuing to wish you the best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Has Your Marriage Been Condemned…by You?

You have done it. It has been said. What else can be said? Have you seen enough? If you have been following this week’s series on the Divorce Life-Cycle then you know that we have reached our 4th stage of Condemnation. You and I have looked at Irritation, Contemplation, and Irrigation all the while feeling the roller-coaster of emotions that accompany love in the E.R.

And…if you are going through this cycle or have in the past, you know the ebb and flow of emotions that sways in the wind like a springtime thunder storm rolling over the plains. You are desperate to get “it” through their “head.” You want reciprocity! You want to see them “prove” they love you and you want it now. Where do you turn?

Well if we take history or folklore into account…we might feel a bit like Paul Revere as he took his midnight ride through Boston in 1775 yelling, “The Redcoats are coming!! The Redcoats are coming!!” We are dying for anybody and everybody to take up our cause. We want their support of our campaign against our spouse and we do not want to hear of salvation or commitment or promises. We feel that we have exhausted all options and we have begun to lay the foundation for an exit plan even though many of us won’t readily admit it during this stage.

We want to feel Normal! We want to cease feelings of craziness and disillusionment. So what we do is we test the waters. We dip our toes in…share a little at a time…and see if any of our family, friends, or colleagues take the bait. We crave ears like a Texan craves brisket. We want it all and we want the unbiased and supportive ears of anyone in our path. o

And…if we don’t get the response that we want we begin to act like first-year lawyers staking out our claims and passion for “justice.” We get big picture. We talk about dreams and what we thought we wanted and we condemn the inaction of our spouse like a building unfit for human occupation. NOW we want others to see the cracks in our marriage.

We tried Irrigation tactics…in our hearts we tried to “work” at getting the marriage back, but if you are like me and the millions of other divorcee’s…you probably found yourself setting a trap for your spouse. It becomes so easy, when your trust is waning, to “provide” your spouse with opportunities to reform their usual and irritating ways. What happens, though, is that what you really are doing is setting a “trap” where both parties are going to lose out. You want dramatic and swift change and you wouldn’t mind if they threw in a little humility and honesty. And…when you get anything less than a miracle…you want to explode.

You run to your friends and anyone who will hear and you spill your guts just praying that someone will utter the most damning words to a marriage in trouble…

“You deserve better…You deserve someone who loves you for you.”

Once those words have been released into the atmosphere there comes the crossroads you never thought you would find yourself at. The intersection of life that takes you back to childhood wondering which path to take in this big, scary, and often lonely world. To feel these emotions…to feel this level of pain can be heartbreaking. You never wanted to get to this place and yet some part of you desperately did. You wanted the mental and emotional freedom to explore life the way it was “intended” to be…not shackled to the skeletons of your spouse and not restrained by your personal fear of abandonment.

To be a Normal Male and Female means experiencing all facets of a relationship…the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, whether we are Paul Revere galloping through our life in desperate need for outside support…we all want to know that what we are feeling, fearing, and hoping for is NORMAL.

Let me tell you this…it is Normal and not going through these emotional cycles would make you abnormal. Life is often a great mythical tragedy filled with love, passion, romance, defeat, and rebirth…the question is whether you can weather this stage of your marriage to make a decision that will truly point you in a direction of emotional prosperity…with or without your spouse.

I leave the answer to you because some will emerge with a new appreciation for the quirks and idiosyncrasies of their partner and others will determine that Reconciliation (Stage 5 coming Monday) means forgiveness for the difficult decision ahead and all of the challenges that await the dissolution of a marriage once thought indestructible.
Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Will Watering Your Marriage Bring it Back to Life?

I am sure you never thought we would or could get to Stage 3 in the Divorce Life-Cycle. You must have thought that after the Irritation and Contemplation stages we would never be able to think about resuscitating a relationship that has caused great distress in recent weeks, months, and years.

It takes a lot of work and if you can, honestly, say that you are at this stage then you have put some work in. You have had to deal with the mortality of your marriage, your role, your fears, and the unknown and often maddening wonderment about your spouses thoughts and feelings.

Not an easy voyage, but possibly the very thing you and your marriage needed. A Spring cleaning if you may. But….and this is a big one…if you are like most of us–and gauging from the fact you are reading this I will go out on a limb and say you are human–then you quite possibly side-stepped the first two stages in the name of Uncle Denial and are artificially entering the Irrigation stage thinking that if you ignore the problems they will just go away.

The result? You run the risk of playing house in a world thirsting for reality if growth is at all possible. As a colleague of mine says, “A band-aid is a band-aid is a band-aid…it ain’t gonna fix the deeper problem.”

And that can be a problem if you are any ole’ man or a Normal Male because we have been raised to fixers of problems. Men of all backgrounds have been taught that to have value we need to be able to fix things. Guys, the problem–fixing a marriage takes a lot more than a socket wrench to stop a leak.It is going to take hard work, open communication, sharing in safe environments, and personal ownership of your part.

So why is it so difficult to properly Irrigate your marriage? Why is it so hard to sit down and evaluate without judgment? Because we are all afraid that if we truly examine or autopsy our marriage we will find residue from our family of origin, past relationships, and a mirror that seems to be coming closer and closer to showing you…you.

Who on earth wants to open the proverbial Pandora’s Box? Who wants to think about why they treat their spouse poorly and its connections to other events and people? Who wants to think about how badly they have emotionally hurt the one the professed love to not so long ago? No one does! Nobody with a sensible approach to life wants to think about all of these horrible possibilities. What we want is to think about tomorrow in terms of yesterday. We want to act and react as if the endorphins are skyrocketing towards our spouse in a way that will cure all past ills and propel happiness into the cosmos for eternity. Irrigation can and should be tempered. It should be approached with a feedback loop that demonstrates to your spouse that you think of them when making decisions about the relationship. And, it should be understood by BOTH parties that nourishing your marriage is what you are attempting and planning to do. Too many, desperate, adults commence Irrigation plans without asking or gauging the interest of the other party.

Your marriage arrived at this place for a reason and traveling at the same speed to the same locales in life probably hasn’t been common place so why would fixing it be any different. Patience can be fleeting during lean times and marriage is no different. If you rush the “fixing” of your marriage without having your partner on board will only perpetuate your tangled communication patterns. Sit down. Breathe. Realize that if you are going to read a self-help book together you should both WANT to.

Bringing back your marriage will be the hardest thing you will ever do in this lifetime. You have to prepare yourself for the journey with the knowledge that if you’re a successful Sailor, you will cross the horizon to find a new land and relationship different and more palatable to the present you…not on the hopes and dreams of the past you.

Sometimes the odds are with us and sometimes they are against us, but what we do know is that if we make an honest effort to Irrigate our marriage we can rest our head at night in peace…whether we remain with our spouse or move on to new adventures. Check back tomorrow to continue on the Divorce Life-Cycle.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Divorce Life-Cycle Part 2

Well then. Here we are. And, if you have been with me from the first leg of this journey then you know that either you are in a “rough patch” or you are looking for direction with regards to your relationship.

You have entered Stage 2….Contemplation A scary place to be…yes! You are beginning to think about your life in rewind while trying to fast-forward at the same time.

This process is akin to putting your foot on the gas and the break at the same time….result?

You become exhausted with worry and discourse;
You wonder what will be;
You wonder if you can make it;
You worry no one will support you;
You worry your kids will hate you;
You worry about holidays and birthdays and all the little things that WILL be different if you leave;
You wonder who you are and what you have become……

Contemplation is the delicate assessment that one goes through…weighing the checks and balances of love in a very fiscally and condemning world. Both genders can worry and stake claim to the very same ideals and items all the while puffing ourselves up to state our case and “leave” with what is “ours.”

And…as we contemplate our life after divorce or after reconciliation we begin to experience feelings and imagery looking a lot like a set of flashbacks.

Flashbacks from our youth to the present day about previous relationships and the manner with which we handled that conversation can be an eerie trip down memory lane. I remember I broke up with my girlfriend, if you can call it that in Elementary school, because I didn’t like the Roo’s tennis shoes she wore…ridiculous I know. Am I proud of myself? No. Have I broken up in ways and for reasons that are foolish looking back or did I make decisions that helped to light my path to my mate?

We have a memory that suits us well in so many instances that we are able to prevent redundancy and befuddlement. This memory, though, brings to the surface every little nook and cranny that spurned us, excited us, and challenged us.

Exploring our memory for the good times in our marriage when it is going through a cold-snap can be difficult and unforgiving. We can feel like beating ourselves up…questioning our actions and intentions and those of our spouse.

We can find ourselves in a place reminiscent of a kindergarten playground where mine and don’t take on fiery tones for we are staking our claim, our land, our litter box of the world…and we autopsy our marriage. We grade each others contributions, estimate damages, and always come up with an equation that has our best interests finishing first.

Marriage isn’t easy. Contemplating the end of your union even harder. Being honest with yourself about your contributions, successes, and missteps will allow Normal Males and Normal Females to accurately evaluate the role they played to determine whether or not they want to continue with their original commitment. Then and only then can you sit down and think about the contributions, both negative and positive, your spouse has provided the relationship.

Being real with ourselves goes along way in communicating needs, fears, wants, and decisions in a humane and thoughtful manner. If your relationship even has a shot to get to the Irrigation stage, you have to tread with soft gloves as you sift through your memories, past actions and decisions, reasons for break-ups and hook-ups…because not doing so keeps you in an emotionally high gear with your feet firmly planted on the gas and the brake of your marriage.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Tuesday Tiptoe-When Divorce Seems Inevitable

The day after. How do you feel? Did you make it through the night? Hopefully you did and can look out on the other side. You might be asking what did I survive or outlast? Well….According to some in the universe, The 25th of January is the Saddest Day of 2010.

Now there could be a number of reasons not the least of which are associated with gray skies, a depressed economy and on and on….right?

Or could it be just a seasonal thing…something that occurs because the euphoria of the holidays is over and we are left with only tax season on the horizon…or could it be something entirely too close to home?

I am not sure what it is or why it is or why we would bring focus each year to something not exactly uplifting, but what I am sure of is that gray skies outside can translate into gloomy nights inside.

As this week steams ahead like a runaway train we are going to explore the Divorce Life-cycle. Gloomy to some…liberating to others. Divorce can be a very lonely and desolate place for the individual and the couple as a whole.

We are going to look at how one assesses where they are at…the decision before them…the internal and external pressures…and the outlook once a decision is made. In short, we are going to breakdown divorce into the following categories:

1. Irritation
2. Contemplation
3. Irrigation
4. Condemnation
5. Reconciliation
6. Emancipation

Why should I be tackling this series? What do I know about it? Well,in short order I am a divorcee and have worked with divorce from all angels and situations. I have seen the impact on the adults and the children and know of many individuals who struggle to answer this question:

“Am I just in a funk or is this state-of-mind permanent?”

And of course we hear of the “7-year-itch” aptly depicting the rash-like feeling we can feel when every move taken or word spoken by our spouse elicits anger, irritation, and debate. So let’s examine this first stage and try to get a grasp on this stage of a relationship entering the E.R.

Stage 1: Irritation

Whether it is the man or woman that becomes increasingly irritated with their spouse one thing becomes clear…as one partner’s irritation increases—the likelihood is that their spouses irritation goes up too! And as we begin to experience our once perfect spouse as not-so-perfect we begin to have conversations with ourselves. Often we do not share our thoughts with our friends, relatives, coworkers, or spouse. What we do is go down a list, in our head, that mimics a security checklist for a school field trip:
1. Where are we going?
2. Why?
3. Did anyone ask if I even wanted to go?
4. How long do I have to stay?
5. What will I need to take with me?
6. What’s for lunch?
7. Who is going?
8. Am I responsible for work I am missing?
9. Who do I HAVE to sit by on the bus?
10. Am I the only one who doesn’t want to go on this trip?

You might think that this list is either limited or exhaustive, but what you cannot do is deny the mental tussle one goes through on a moment-to-moment basis when contemplating the survival rate of their relationship.

Let’s Translate shall we…

1. Where are we going?= What happened to our original plan and why do I feel like this relationship is out of control?

2. Why?= Why have you changed and do you even care about me anymore?

3. Did anyone ask if I even wanted to go?= I feel like you never ask me what I want. I feel like I am trapped doing what everyone else expects a wife/husband to do.

4. How long do I have to stay?= I am not sure that I want to continue feeling this way and I don’t know how to tell you or if this thought is fleeting…either way I want some control over MY life.

5. What will I need to take with me?= I don’t even know what I need to do that will help me feel better if we are going to work this out…and if we decide to end it I really don’t know what I need to do!

6. What’s for lunch?= I don’t feel nourished by this relationship. My tank is empty and I hate feeling and knowing that one of us is going to have to “give back” with only fumes. I hate this vicious cycle of bartering for our needs.

7. Who is going?= Am I the only one that is scared my marriage is falling a part? Do my friends ever go through this?

8. Am I responsible for work I am missing?= Our routines are killing any opportunity to “get back” what we had. Why can’t life wait so that we can recapture our magic of yesteryear?

9. Who do I HAVE to sit by on the bus?= If I am to risk “losing hand” by bringing up my sadness…what conciliatory acts am I going to have to take on?

10. Am I the only one who doesn’t want to go on this trip?
= Does he/she not notice how bad things have gotten? Do they not care?

The result of this long and drawn out conversation is that many are left wondering…“Why should I care anymore?”

And, instead of sharing our fears (speaking to the men out there) we close up shop, build up walls, and act out for hope that she will notice. Normal Males will work hard to share their feelings and concerns sending a message that the relationship is that important to them.

Easier said than done. I know. I struggled mightily to fight routines and speak up when I so desperately wanted answers to my growing frustration and irritation. But, I am human as are you and sometimes men and women demonstrate their fears by acting out in hopes that their spouse will translate the community theater production being put before them on a daily basis.

It hark-ins back to a friend of mine who became so irritated with his job that he wanted to send a message to his superiors, of which he had many, by playing the movie Office Space on repeat in his section of the “cube-farm.” After the movie played 62 times…my friend glided into work one day to find his computer gone…vanished…no more secret “telegrams” to be sent.

Relationships go through bumps and bruises and so many in the media and in mental health want to lie to you and say that, “It’ll be ok…just hang in there.” I am here to tell you a truth…sometimes the Irritation reflects the different paths you each are on and that is Normal.

It does not imply that one person is at fault or malicious. It might simply mean that as you have evolved as individuals your values, goals, dreams, personalities and outlook might have taken a separate and individual path. This country prides itself on “finishing what we started”….”never giving up”….and that one gender has to “go down with the ship.”

These can be destructive messages to both men and women resulting in children and friends who no longer understand or enjoy being around you. As we walk through the Divorce Life-Cycle please be cognizant that you are NOT alone, you ARE Normal, and if too much damage hasn’t been done, you can work it out. Be aware of your thoughts and actions and look beyond the Irritation to understand the cause and source…it might very well be You…I know it was Me.

See you tomorrow when we will look at the progression of the Divorce Life-Cycle and Stage 2: Contemplation

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Why Marriage and Football Don’t Mix…or do they?

Well, we made it! Whew! Another gauntlet of a regular season in the NFL, 3 playoff rounds, and a meaningless Pro Bowl and the Grand-Daddy of them all…The Super Bowl…in two weeks that is ! The question is can we hang on? Can we come up with enough collateral from the “Love Bucket” to stave off spousal elimination?

It won’t be easy. It will be draining…and before it is all said and done, Normal Males around the country will be making sure the walkway is clear of snow/mud/Christmas tree remnants, the trash and its’ receptacle are spotless, the pets cared for and the children happy. There will be many joint ventures to the grocery store and possibly the mall if some can handle it.

You see for most men and Normal Males the dawn of the Super Bowl can be the scariest time of year for themselves and their relationships. And, before I get back-channel emails with upset readers who say I am embodying the very same stereotypes I refute daily…back off…take another sip of your Earl Grey because even Normal Males can and do like sports…and well they should…more on this below)

Scary because so many males have been jockeying since late August to watch their favorite teams and so many of our lovely spouses are tired of our dog-and-pony-act. And, really who can blame them?

We turn into public defenders fresh from law school…passionately stating our case and our need to just be as we watch grown men hurled at each other like a Consumer Reports crash test on fender durability. Watching football is a release…a journey back to the days where we could bound around the playground for 3rd grade supremacy and the twinkle of endorsement from the cutest girl this side of Topeka.

So…I have stated the challenge before Normal Males…the reasons, subtly I might add, for our female partners to, potentially, cut us some slack and let us relish in the two week tease to the most watched sporting event in our country.

But, you wouldn’t be reading my blog if you didn’t expect to hear the other side…now would you? Guys, we play a pivotal role in the support of our wants and needs, and selfish and childish responses to the one we love only strengthens their association with football AND stupidity.

As Normal Males we cannot treat our motives as so many do when birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentines Day role around. We cannot role a year or a months worth of family responsibilities into one day prior to the big game. Women are extremely smart and they will notice if your efforts have been sub-par throughout the year. So, the next time you think that you have “gotten” her by helping out around the house or going to the grocery store or mall once in the last month…think again!

I would propose that if we were smarter we would increase our overall participation in our families ten-fold because we might find our spouses a heck of a lot more agreeable to our weekly need to take sides and grunt over a bowl of chips. But, too often we don’t and we “cry” and moan when asked to participate in activities our spouses enjoy which is why when we “spring” it to them that this Sunday’s game is the most important they give us a look that could kill.

Both sides would benefit greatly from increasing our participation in the activities and enjoyments of our loved ones because…just like sex and football “privileges” come with a more participatory husband and father who goes on more trips to the mall, spur of the moment grocery stops, and spontaneous back rubs when our wives and girlfriends want them the most…so do “team” trips to the mall, visits to your favorite Aunt and the like when the females in our lives increase their understanding for the needs and wants of our more participatory husbands and fathers.

We each hold the key and holding one activity hostage for another slashes gratitude and build up bitterness. Sometimes we have to understand that it isn’t ALL about us and if we understand dosage rates and extended-release euphoria for events born out of spontaneity…we might all get to enjoy those bits of life that make us uniquely human and desired spouses.

And, if we need inspiration we can look all around us. We all have a buddy whose spouse is so supportive of their activities that we often wonder, “what is his secret?” Ask!

Or…you could look under your very own roof. Every morning I “Open” our house. I walk downstairs…turn the alarm off, turn the radio on, get the coffee going, turn on necessary lights and open the blinds to the sunshine just waiting to pierce through the window pane.

The last on the list is the most enjoyable and telling of them all. You see, we have two kittens that are growing like “weeds” and the routines that the get into are both enjoyable and illustrative of sharing and giving back. Gracie is our little Dennis the Menace…always getting into something and always wanting to be a part of the action whereas Lilly is the strong silent type…will love you on her terms and will often be the follower to the kitty hi-jinks that ensue on a daily basis….

…that is until I go into the dining room to roll up the shades. This is when Lilly takes charge, assumes her position directly below the long chord and behind the curtain and waits…waits patiently for the chord to come within “hunting” range…and then she jumps and bounds about trying to bat the chord like a Kardashian in the boxing ring.

You want to know what…Gracie/Dennis the Menace sits, perched up beside Lilly and watches her in her daily ritual. Never interfering or stealing the one daily pleasure Lilly gets besides sleeping 18 of 24 hours.

We can all learn a lesson from the Lilly’s and Gracie’s of the world. Know when our partners want our attendance and participation and how we can support their “loves.” It always takes two to tango, as someone once said, and being able to sit and watch a football game without worrying about retribution or a building chores list as payment goes a long way in enjoying something that ought to be enjoyed.

Men and Women of the world…da dada da!!! Support each other not just on the days or times when YOU want something, but also on those days and during those times when least expected. We will all come out better in the end.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

“Pants on the Ground” Celebrating Young Men who Make us ALL Proud!

Over the past week we have seen the reemergence of William Hung….I mean General Larry Platt as he is now the owner of the new anthem for American Idol. “Pants on the Ground” has become a hit in the most basic sense of the word. The song has captured the soul of one generation observing another and it comes with an interesting development…

Last night, as I put a close on a long day, I did what I routinely do and I turned on the local news. Aside from all of the recycled stories that we all read on Twitter and the like, and the countless stories about John Edwards, I came across a bit of news that could have easily been the “Top Story.”

One of the local beat reporters did a brief story on a group of African-American high school students who have recently started a group that answers General Platt’s call… “The Gentleman’s Council” has over 50 members who dress professionally for school on a daily basis. The founders stated that they wanted to be taken seriously and have noticed a significant difference from the fellow peers and teachers.

What a wonderful way to end the day and reflect. As we all partake on this journey to redefine Normal Males it sure is nice to see opposing generations speak up and act “out” in positive and productive ways.

And, if you think that Caucasians can rest on a history of affluence, resource, and culture because this story pertains to young African-American students then you better sit down and take heed. …because the “Jello” man and our favorite T.V. dad has indicted us all in the war on boys being boys….

…and though Bill Cosby has spoken with great conviction, and controversy for some, on the state of the African-American male, he has provided ALL males with valuable leadership. The telling aspect of this video made years ago is that it depicts the dangers of letting our boys feel less than they are, the shadow to life, and the role both races play in the success of the other. For every publicized story about a young African-American male who doesn’t know how to dress, use the English language effectively, or actively and positively participate in society…I will give you the Caucasian boy from rural America who probably talks a bit off kilter, to say the least, focuses on hunting rather than studies, and thinks women belong in the kitchen.

Young boys and males of all races, ethnicity’s, and cultures struggle to feel a part of daily society and just because one race is portrayed as daily irritants…never forget the perpetrators of mass school violence and the race they would be identified with.

The issues young males face are deep and unrelenting and it sure is nice when we have young people that take a stand without Commissioner Stern of the NBA or General Platt having to state the obvious…you will be taken seriously when you take your personal significance seriously. Here is to the Gentleman’s Council at McGavock High School and to their commitment to themselves and the young boys staring up at them. Job well done!

The rehabilitation of what being a Normal Male is and represents to the rest of the world takes the courage of all males to stand up and challenge popular opinion for the betterment of the coming generations. We want to be proud of our gender…we want our families to be proud…and we want our children to be proud of the men they call daddy.

General Platt…Dr. Rod reporting for duty!

Dr. Rod The Normal Male
Rod Berger, PsyD