Has Your Marriage Been Condemned…by You?

You have done it. It has been said. What else can be said? Have you seen enough? If you have been following this week’s series on the Divorce Life-Cycle then you know that we have reached our 4th stage of Condemnation. You and I have looked at Irritation, Contemplation, and Irrigation all the while feeling the roller-coaster of emotions that accompany love in the E.R.

And…if you are going through this cycle or have in the past, you know the ebb and flow of emotions that sways in the wind like a springtime thunder storm rolling over the plains. You are desperate to get “it” through their “head.” You want reciprocity! You want to see them “prove” they love you and you want it now. Where do you turn?

Well if we take history or folklore into account…we might feel a bit like Paul Revere as he took his midnight ride through Boston in 1775 yelling, “The Redcoats are coming!! The Redcoats are coming!!” We are dying for anybody and everybody to take up our cause. We want their support of our campaign against our spouse and we do not want to hear of salvation or commitment or promises. We feel that we have exhausted all options and we have begun to lay the foundation for an exit plan even though many of us won’t readily admit it during this stage.

We want to feel Normal! We want to cease feelings of craziness and disillusionment. So what we do is we test the waters. We dip our toes in…share a little at a time…and see if any of our family, friends, or colleagues take the bait. We crave ears like a Texan craves brisket. We want it all and we want the unbiased and supportive ears of anyone in our path. o

And…if we don’t get the response that we want we begin to act like first-year lawyers staking out our claims and passion for “justice.” We get big picture. We talk about dreams and what we thought we wanted and we condemn the inaction of our spouse like a building unfit for human occupation. NOW we want others to see the cracks in our marriage.

We tried Irrigation tactics…in our hearts we tried to “work” at getting the marriage back, but if you are like me and the millions of other divorcee’s…you probably found yourself setting a trap for your spouse. It becomes so easy, when your trust is waning, to “provide” your spouse with opportunities to reform their usual and irritating ways. What happens, though, is that what you really are doing is setting a “trap” where both parties are going to lose out. You want dramatic and swift change and you wouldn’t mind if they threw in a little humility and honesty. And…when you get anything less than a miracle…you want to explode.

You run to your friends and anyone who will hear and you spill your guts just praying that someone will utter the most damning words to a marriage in trouble…

“You deserve better…You deserve someone who loves you for you.”

Once those words have been released into the atmosphere there comes the crossroads you never thought you would find yourself at. The intersection of life that takes you back to childhood wondering which path to take in this big, scary, and often lonely world. To feel these emotions…to feel this level of pain can be heartbreaking. You never wanted to get to this place and yet some part of you desperately did. You wanted the mental and emotional freedom to explore life the way it was “intended” to be…not shackled to the skeletons of your spouse and not restrained by your personal fear of abandonment.

To be a Normal Male and Female means experiencing all facets of a relationship…the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, whether we are Paul Revere galloping through our life in desperate need for outside support…we all want to know that what we are feeling, fearing, and hoping for is NORMAL.

Let me tell you this…it is Normal and not going through these emotional cycles would make you abnormal. Life is often a great mythical tragedy filled with love, passion, romance, defeat, and rebirth…the question is whether you can weather this stage of your marriage to make a decision that will truly point you in a direction of emotional prosperity…with or without your spouse.

I leave the answer to you because some will emerge with a new appreciation for the quirks and idiosyncrasies of their partner and others will determine that Reconciliation (Stage 5 coming Monday) means forgiveness for the difficult decision ahead and all of the challenges that await the dissolution of a marriage once thought indestructible.
Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Divorce Life-Cycle Part 2

Well then. Here we are. And, if you have been with me from the first leg of this journey then you know that either you are in a “rough patch” or you are looking for direction with regards to your relationship.

You have entered Stage 2….Contemplation A scary place to be…yes! You are beginning to think about your life in rewind while trying to fast-forward at the same time.

This process is akin to putting your foot on the gas and the break at the same time….result?

You become exhausted with worry and discourse;
You wonder what will be;
You wonder if you can make it;
You worry no one will support you;
You worry your kids will hate you;
You worry about holidays and birthdays and all the little things that WILL be different if you leave;
You wonder who you are and what you have become……

Contemplation is the delicate assessment that one goes through…weighing the checks and balances of love in a very fiscally and condemning world. Both genders can worry and stake claim to the very same ideals and items all the while puffing ourselves up to state our case and “leave” with what is “ours.”

And…as we contemplate our life after divorce or after reconciliation we begin to experience feelings and imagery looking a lot like a set of flashbacks.

Flashbacks from our youth to the present day about previous relationships and the manner with which we handled that conversation can be an eerie trip down memory lane. I remember I broke up with my girlfriend, if you can call it that in Elementary school, because I didn’t like the Roo’s tennis shoes she wore…ridiculous I know. Am I proud of myself? No. Have I broken up in ways and for reasons that are foolish looking back or did I make decisions that helped to light my path to my mate?

We have a memory that suits us well in so many instances that we are able to prevent redundancy and befuddlement. This memory, though, brings to the surface every little nook and cranny that spurned us, excited us, and challenged us.

Exploring our memory for the good times in our marriage when it is going through a cold-snap can be difficult and unforgiving. We can feel like beating ourselves up…questioning our actions and intentions and those of our spouse.

We can find ourselves in a place reminiscent of a kindergarten playground where mine and don’t take on fiery tones for we are staking our claim, our land, our litter box of the world…and we autopsy our marriage. We grade each others contributions, estimate damages, and always come up with an equation that has our best interests finishing first.

Marriage isn’t easy. Contemplating the end of your union even harder. Being honest with yourself about your contributions, successes, and missteps will allow Normal Males and Normal Females to accurately evaluate the role they played to determine whether or not they want to continue with their original commitment. Then and only then can you sit down and think about the contributions, both negative and positive, your spouse has provided the relationship.

Being real with ourselves goes along way in communicating needs, fears, wants, and decisions in a humane and thoughtful manner. If your relationship even has a shot to get to the Irrigation stage, you have to tread with soft gloves as you sift through your memories, past actions and decisions, reasons for break-ups and hook-ups…because not doing so keeps you in an emotionally high gear with your feet firmly planted on the gas and the brake of your marriage.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Tuesday Tiptoe-When Divorce Seems Inevitable

The day after. How do you feel? Did you make it through the night? Hopefully you did and can look out on the other side. You might be asking what did I survive or outlast? Well….According to some in the universe, The 25th of January is the Saddest Day of 2010.

Now there could be a number of reasons not the least of which are associated with gray skies, a depressed economy and on and on….right?

Or could it be just a seasonal thing…something that occurs because the euphoria of the holidays is over and we are left with only tax season on the horizon…or could it be something entirely too close to home?

I am not sure what it is or why it is or why we would bring focus each year to something not exactly uplifting, but what I am sure of is that gray skies outside can translate into gloomy nights inside.

As this week steams ahead like a runaway train we are going to explore the Divorce Life-cycle. Gloomy to some…liberating to others. Divorce can be a very lonely and desolate place for the individual and the couple as a whole.

We are going to look at how one assesses where they are at…the decision before them…the internal and external pressures…and the outlook once a decision is made. In short, we are going to breakdown divorce into the following categories:

1. Irritation
2. Contemplation
3. Irrigation
4. Condemnation
5. Reconciliation
6. Emancipation

Why should I be tackling this series? What do I know about it? Well,in short order I am a divorcee and have worked with divorce from all angels and situations. I have seen the impact on the adults and the children and know of many individuals who struggle to answer this question:

“Am I just in a funk or is this state-of-mind permanent?”

And of course we hear of the “7-year-itch” aptly depicting the rash-like feeling we can feel when every move taken or word spoken by our spouse elicits anger, irritation, and debate. So let’s examine this first stage and try to get a grasp on this stage of a relationship entering the E.R.

Stage 1: Irritation

Whether it is the man or woman that becomes increasingly irritated with their spouse one thing becomes clear…as one partner’s irritation increases—the likelihood is that their spouses irritation goes up too! And as we begin to experience our once perfect spouse as not-so-perfect we begin to have conversations with ourselves. Often we do not share our thoughts with our friends, relatives, coworkers, or spouse. What we do is go down a list, in our head, that mimics a security checklist for a school field trip:
1. Where are we going?
2. Why?
3. Did anyone ask if I even wanted to go?
4. How long do I have to stay?
5. What will I need to take with me?
6. What’s for lunch?
7. Who is going?
8. Am I responsible for work I am missing?
9. Who do I HAVE to sit by on the bus?
10. Am I the only one who doesn’t want to go on this trip?

You might think that this list is either limited or exhaustive, but what you cannot do is deny the mental tussle one goes through on a moment-to-moment basis when contemplating the survival rate of their relationship.

Let’s Translate shall we…

1. Where are we going?= What happened to our original plan and why do I feel like this relationship is out of control?

2. Why?= Why have you changed and do you even care about me anymore?

3. Did anyone ask if I even wanted to go?= I feel like you never ask me what I want. I feel like I am trapped doing what everyone else expects a wife/husband to do.

4. How long do I have to stay?= I am not sure that I want to continue feeling this way and I don’t know how to tell you or if this thought is fleeting…either way I want some control over MY life.

5. What will I need to take with me?= I don’t even know what I need to do that will help me feel better if we are going to work this out…and if we decide to end it I really don’t know what I need to do!

6. What’s for lunch?= I don’t feel nourished by this relationship. My tank is empty and I hate feeling and knowing that one of us is going to have to “give back” with only fumes. I hate this vicious cycle of bartering for our needs.

7. Who is going?= Am I the only one that is scared my marriage is falling a part? Do my friends ever go through this?

8. Am I responsible for work I am missing?= Our routines are killing any opportunity to “get back” what we had. Why can’t life wait so that we can recapture our magic of yesteryear?

9. Who do I HAVE to sit by on the bus?= If I am to risk “losing hand” by bringing up my sadness…what conciliatory acts am I going to have to take on?

10. Am I the only one who doesn’t want to go on this trip?
= Does he/she not notice how bad things have gotten? Do they not care?

The result of this long and drawn out conversation is that many are left wondering…“Why should I care anymore?”

And, instead of sharing our fears (speaking to the men out there) we close up shop, build up walls, and act out for hope that she will notice. Normal Males will work hard to share their feelings and concerns sending a message that the relationship is that important to them.

Easier said than done. I know. I struggled mightily to fight routines and speak up when I so desperately wanted answers to my growing frustration and irritation. But, I am human as are you and sometimes men and women demonstrate their fears by acting out in hopes that their spouse will translate the community theater production being put before them on a daily basis.

It hark-ins back to a friend of mine who became so irritated with his job that he wanted to send a message to his superiors, of which he had many, by playing the movie Office Space on repeat in his section of the “cube-farm.” After the movie played 62 times…my friend glided into work one day to find his computer gone…vanished…no more secret “telegrams” to be sent.

Relationships go through bumps and bruises and so many in the media and in mental health want to lie to you and say that, “It’ll be ok…just hang in there.” I am here to tell you a truth…sometimes the Irritation reflects the different paths you each are on and that is Normal.

It does not imply that one person is at fault or malicious. It might simply mean that as you have evolved as individuals your values, goals, dreams, personalities and outlook might have taken a separate and individual path. This country prides itself on “finishing what we started”….”never giving up”….and that one gender has to “go down with the ship.”

These can be destructive messages to both men and women resulting in children and friends who no longer understand or enjoy being around you. As we walk through the Divorce Life-Cycle please be cognizant that you are NOT alone, you ARE Normal, and if too much damage hasn’t been done, you can work it out. Be aware of your thoughts and actions and look beyond the Irritation to understand the cause and source…it might very well be You…I know it was Me.

See you tomorrow when we will look at the progression of the Divorce Life-Cycle and Stage 2: Contemplation

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Why Marriage and Football Don’t Mix…or do they?

Well, we made it! Whew! Another gauntlet of a regular season in the NFL, 3 playoff rounds, and a meaningless Pro Bowl and the Grand-Daddy of them all…The Super Bowl…in two weeks that is ! The question is can we hang on? Can we come up with enough collateral from the “Love Bucket” to stave off spousal elimination?

It won’t be easy. It will be draining…and before it is all said and done, Normal Males around the country will be making sure the walkway is clear of snow/mud/Christmas tree remnants, the trash and its’ receptacle are spotless, the pets cared for and the children happy. There will be many joint ventures to the grocery store and possibly the mall if some can handle it.

You see for most men and Normal Males the dawn of the Super Bowl can be the scariest time of year for themselves and their relationships. And, before I get back-channel emails with upset readers who say I am embodying the very same stereotypes I refute daily…back off…take another sip of your Earl Grey because even Normal Males can and do like sports…and well they should…more on this below)

Scary because so many males have been jockeying since late August to watch their favorite teams and so many of our lovely spouses are tired of our dog-and-pony-act. And, really who can blame them?

We turn into public defenders fresh from law school…passionately stating our case and our need to just be as we watch grown men hurled at each other like a Consumer Reports crash test on fender durability. Watching football is a release…a journey back to the days where we could bound around the playground for 3rd grade supremacy and the twinkle of endorsement from the cutest girl this side of Topeka.

So…I have stated the challenge before Normal Males…the reasons, subtly I might add, for our female partners to, potentially, cut us some slack and let us relish in the two week tease to the most watched sporting event in our country.

But, you wouldn’t be reading my blog if you didn’t expect to hear the other side…now would you? Guys, we play a pivotal role in the support of our wants and needs, and selfish and childish responses to the one we love only strengthens their association with football AND stupidity.

As Normal Males we cannot treat our motives as so many do when birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentines Day role around. We cannot role a year or a months worth of family responsibilities into one day prior to the big game. Women are extremely smart and they will notice if your efforts have been sub-par throughout the year. So, the next time you think that you have “gotten” her by helping out around the house or going to the grocery store or mall once in the last month…think again!

I would propose that if we were smarter we would increase our overall participation in our families ten-fold because we might find our spouses a heck of a lot more agreeable to our weekly need to take sides and grunt over a bowl of chips. But, too often we don’t and we “cry” and moan when asked to participate in activities our spouses enjoy which is why when we “spring” it to them that this Sunday’s game is the most important they give us a look that could kill.

Both sides would benefit greatly from increasing our participation in the activities and enjoyments of our loved ones because…just like sex and football “privileges” come with a more participatory husband and father who goes on more trips to the mall, spur of the moment grocery stops, and spontaneous back rubs when our wives and girlfriends want them the most…so do “team” trips to the mall, visits to your favorite Aunt and the like when the females in our lives increase their understanding for the needs and wants of our more participatory husbands and fathers.

We each hold the key and holding one activity hostage for another slashes gratitude and build up bitterness. Sometimes we have to understand that it isn’t ALL about us and if we understand dosage rates and extended-release euphoria for events born out of spontaneity…we might all get to enjoy those bits of life that make us uniquely human and desired spouses.

And, if we need inspiration we can look all around us. We all have a buddy whose spouse is so supportive of their activities that we often wonder, “what is his secret?” Ask!

Or…you could look under your very own roof. Every morning I “Open” our house. I walk downstairs…turn the alarm off, turn the radio on, get the coffee going, turn on necessary lights and open the blinds to the sunshine just waiting to pierce through the window pane.

The last on the list is the most enjoyable and telling of them all. You see, we have two kittens that are growing like “weeds” and the routines that the get into are both enjoyable and illustrative of sharing and giving back. Gracie is our little Dennis the Menace…always getting into something and always wanting to be a part of the action whereas Lilly is the strong silent type…will love you on her terms and will often be the follower to the kitty hi-jinks that ensue on a daily basis….

…that is until I go into the dining room to roll up the shades. This is when Lilly takes charge, assumes her position directly below the long chord and behind the curtain and waits…waits patiently for the chord to come within “hunting” range…and then she jumps and bounds about trying to bat the chord like a Kardashian in the boxing ring.

You want to know what…Gracie/Dennis the Menace sits, perched up beside Lilly and watches her in her daily ritual. Never interfering or stealing the one daily pleasure Lilly gets besides sleeping 18 of 24 hours.

We can all learn a lesson from the Lilly’s and Gracie’s of the world. Know when our partners want our attendance and participation and how we can support their “loves.” It always takes two to tango, as someone once said, and being able to sit and watch a football game without worrying about retribution or a building chores list as payment goes a long way in enjoying something that ought to be enjoyed.

Men and Women of the world…da dada da!!! Support each other not just on the days or times when YOU want something, but also on those days and during those times when least expected. We will all come out better in the end.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Who’s Your Daddy? Women and Children Struggle to Understand Men’s Absentee Ballot

Another day…another daddy crawls out of his shadow signifying 6 more weeks of, “I told you all men are shameless pigs!” Yes, former political giant John Edwards has finally come clean or downright filthy…not in the fact that he has fathered an adorable little girl, but that he has done so in a not so Normal or acceptable fashion.

Mr. Edwards has found it in his heart to issue a publicist 101 press release stating that he is the father of 2 year-old Frances Quinn Hunter from his extra-marital affair with Rielle Hunter

What has he done you might ask? Has this changed anything since Edwards political life is already in shambles? Are we even asking the right questions?

Let us peel the onion…knowing that tears may be shed…not for John and his life, but for the result of his infidelity. Does anyone else find it a bit curious that his admittance came from a press release? Why not on television or on YouTube? I find it quite sad that when Quinn grows up she will be able to, at the touch of a button or screen, scroll through the archives finding not public admission and emotion about his defenseless little girl, but rather slick political maneuvering that discounts any connection to her as a real, breathing human being (Bob Woodruff interview August 8, 2008).

I feel for the Edwards family, minus John, Quinn, and even her mother Rielle. It is sad commentary on the American male when men propagating Southern values and family, while his wife and mother of his children battles terminal cancer, are out classed by an American icon if not favorite t.v. father of all-time.

Why you might ask would I even dare compare John Edwards to Homer Simpson? Well, let’s see…Mr. Simpson, if I may, has spent north of 450 episodes showing us how faulty his faculties might be, but one thing he hasn’t done is ever send the notion that he isn’t around, a part of his family, and/or interacting with them.

John Edwards and the countless, unaccounted for fathers littered outside the American family send mixed and often sad, lifeless signals that they are even breathing. We have a crisis on our hands of immeasurable proportions, though we have tried valiantly, and we have not yet figured out the solution to this campaign to get men to care about acknowledging and participating in the lives of their offspring.

According the the Center for Disease Control (CDC) 85% of children with behavioral issues come from fatherless homes, 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes, 85% of all youth in prison come from fatherless homes, and 75% of all youth in chemical abuse centers come from these homes as well.

Startling to say the least and, to this point, we have little to no direction for even a sliver of hope. It has me thinking about some work I did last year for a book on counseling fathers. My contribution, chapter, focused on new fathers and what we found is that so many of them feel left out from the pregnancy and birthing processes by all involved and interested parties (i.e. doctors, classes, hospitals, family) that the detachment begins very early in the budding of a new life.

This does not imply that there are good men just waiting and wondering if someone will call their “number.” It simply means that there is growing research that depicts a different story then the one we all have known and been told by the media to this point.

Because whether or not it is a “John Edwards” or a young man with no education or connection to society, men of all backgrounds are finding themselves as observers when they should feel and act like participants.

My hope for the “Quinn Hunters” of the world is that they come in contact with good people and Normal Males who are proud to be in their presence and communicative on multiple levels.

John Edwards might think that he can right a wrong through a press release, but what he has done is put generations at risk within his own family tree. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and it only takes one splintered branch to deaden a tree over time.

More and more women and their girls are having to battle centuries of folklore and fact about the men they are “supposed” to love in an effort to love the ones they want as partners. Mrs. Edwards, Rielle and Quinn Hunter my thoughts and best wishes are for you all as you share sadness even if on opposite sides of the coin.

Normal Males please speak out against those shirking their parental responsibilities, communicate your experiences with young and new fathers to normalize their emotions and experiences, and look out for the boys in our communities who treat girls and women as commodities to be bought and sold through a press release or text message.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Normal Males Really Desire the Heidi Montag’s of the World?

If you haven’t read about the “Hills” star Heidi Montag than you have missed a golden opportunity to see how young girls and women are impacted by media and men (click here to watch GMA interview with Heidi). Ms Montag is showing off her new look after completing 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day.

As I watched the story this morning on the news I was struck by my flat affect…does this really surprise me? Should I be shocked that this reality “star” turned singer had so many procedures? And…my answer came only when I heard that she is a mere 23 years-old.

To think that a 23 year-old young woman who states that she is promoting inner beauty stinks of arrogance and ignorance for the role she plays in the very people who will probably buy her new album. “Superficial” is the name of her new album and titled quite appropriately if you ask a Normal Males opinion.

My hope is that young girls and women call out Heidi Montag for her approach to beauty and ridiculous statements that…”tripple D’s aren’t big enough”…and support those in the spotlight that provide healthy examples. Actress Emmy Rossum did just that blasting Heidi for her poor example during a time of global heartache and need.

The question to ponder is this…What role do men play in young women’s approach and possible addiction to perfecting their outward appearance? Is this a matter of “natural selection”…that we males will only select females based on perfected body features for marriage and procreation?

Normal Males know, even if they don’t want to admit it to their buddies during football and beer, that though they may desire or dream about “fake” women for short-term sexual prowess…they all know that long term love and companionship are nearly impossible with someone so consumed by themselves. Let’s think practically…if a man or woman is so focused on the perfection of their bodies what time do they have to share with you.

Men play a significant role in the responding to the “Heidi’s” of the world…we need to let all females know that we fear being accepted, looking “buff” enough, tall enough, and we sure won’t survive being with a woman who perpetuates that fear of never falling “below” the line of perfection.

On the Bachelor last night, Jake Pavelka made two decisions that could make Normal Males proud. Faced with a majority of female contestants that appear to have gone “under-the-knife”, Jake sent two packing because of their in-authenticity. .

Young girls and women hear this…(trumpets bellowing in the background)…Normal Males want to find someone to love, to be loved by, to share with, to feel safe when scared, someone who is comfortable nurturing our fragile ego (See Jake last night ask for that of Vienna after bungee jump), someone who understands being lazy on a Saturday, and one who challenges us.

None of the above hopes require looks that resemble packaging and plastic…they require comfort in ones’ skin. We, Normal Males, will work hard to support you and hope that adult women will support Normal Females as well.

Looking perfect only masks the imperfections on the inside. We’ll work hard on our end to treat you better and communicate those things we love and would never trade for physical alterations.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Normal Males & Marriage Mix?

Every now and then I am reminded of my place in this world and yesterday was no exception. My fiance and I ventured downtown to the “big” wedding convention to swim through the vendor booths, snack on bite size cake samples, and yes…attend the bride and groom fashion show. A full day I assure you.

To begin we had to shuffle through the crowd to register and receive our goody-bag and a convention badge. One that said Bride and ONE that said GROOM

Yes, I was treated like gold and adorned with a name placard with pink string and manly font…and of course this “gift” was not given without comment. The very nice women who was registering us was so happy that I was there…”We make so many of these badges and none of the men ever come….you’ve got a good one.”

Now…should I feel like James Cameron and on “top of the world” or should I be embarrassed that other grooms-to-be were sitting their butts on the couch to watch Brett Favre dismantle Jessica Simpson’s Ex?

Embarrassed? Yes! Annoyed? Yes…with two things.

1. Men are so low on the totem poll with this thing called a wedding that begins a MARRIAGE that when we do show up to be an active participant in the planning other women don’t know how to respond. And, in regards to the woman who registered us…she found it fit to salute me while talking to me in a tone fit for a toddler who successfully completed a somersault in a mommy-and-me gym class.

2. And of course there has to be a sequel to point number 1 because…and I will admit this…males have been so poor in speaking up and participating in an event and life-altering decision that women have been forced to think of us as just another chair-cover or centerpiece or vendor relationship they ultimately have to cross off of a list.

Why can’t males act in a Normal fashion for their nuptials? Have weddings turned so commercial that men feel excluded? There may be a point to that and some reading this might be of such opinion, but I tend to think it is more of a reflection of males inadequate participation levels.

Men wonder why they feel excluded and find it easy to pout in the corner when not actively asked to join in…yours included on those bad, personally cloudy days…,but that is no excuse! You, me, and the rest of the Normal Males need to “jump” into the water…it isn’t as cold as you might think and won’t leave you wishing for warmer water and anti-shrinkage pills.

Marriage and the weddings that introduce the union should be approached in an active and collaborative fashion. Guys…we can’t blame the women in our lives for thinking we care more about the pig-skin than the sheen of a wedding gown, nor can we blame them for making decisions for us with our future mother-n-laws. Step up and be accounted for…wearing a badge that says “Groom” next to your lovely fiance is pretty cool when all is said in done….now where did I put my emery board?

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Saturday Two-Step

The exploration of manhood often takes us over vast topography and under deep, dark skeletons and secrets and can leave one feeling like a dog trying to navigate the waters. Communicating with your loved one during an argument provides Normal Males the perfect stage to display our revolutionary approach to ending “grunt” stereotypes.

Easier said then done. Right? I know for me it is a constant struggle to remember how so many women have experienced men and how those experiences impact current circumstances. Many women have experienced men who were bad listeners, verbally abusive, insensitive, childish, and sometimes down-right mean. These are the stereotypes that fill our airwaves, television sets, and movie screens…not to mention those in our homes and surrounding communities.

Arguments or disagreements, if you will, between a man and woman can look like a great standoff like the Bay of Pigs…sound like a classic country song…and even resemble an episode of Cops (though that doesn’t help anyone).

And the “beauty” is that each combination of man and woman argue and disagree in their own unique way. Substitute another for your spouse and a different sequence ensues. Add money, kids, cat litter, bills, and bloating and you can have a grand ole’ tango that leaves both parties without any “hand”, as Costanza would say, or power.

We are each presented with opportunities to squelch the argument…apologize…and make-up the way they do in movies…even though the implication is that sex will cure a relationship more than communicating-a post for another day

But too often we drop our personal opportunity like an advertiser drops Tiger Woods and we take the bait of the other like a silly mouse who thinks they can outsmart the cheese trap. I try…you try…we need to keep trying. Communication in the form of an interested and thoughtful adult trumps posturing any day.

“Normal Males of the universe”….hear the trumpeting in the background ….”I call on you to think twice during an argument…exercise caution…employ poise…and think of the issue at hand from ALL sides. Your spouse will appreciate you…your kids will understand that you are more complex than a set of socket wrenches…and we all win.”

Alright, now where did I put that remote control?

Have a great weekend everyone and take advantage of the precious time we all have with those you support and love us the most.

Dr. Rod

Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Men and Humility Mix?

As we explore what Normal Males look, feel, sound, and ultimately act like it becomes increasingly clear that the majority of our societal friction begins with our general lack of humility. What does it mean to have humility and when are we encouraged to display healthy doses of it? Do we want President Obama to demonstrate humility? Do we want our Husbands and Fathers to demonstrate humility? What about those men we encounter out in the public sector?

Does humility imply weakness? Are there benefits to humility? Does humility even belong in our lives? All of these questions and more allow us all to explore the nature of manliness and where and when we would like to see humility displayed.

Many of the men in the public eye are scrutinized for showing too little or too much humility. Former President Bush was hard pressed to display humility and for some that felt safe…for others stubbornness and inflexible. President Obama discusses humility and tact often and the Right calls it “waffling.”

Do we want Normal Males to boast about their accomplishments and level of importance in our lives? I think there is a time and place and conveying a built-in flexibility shows young boys and men that life is not always about inflating ones’ posture to win the crowd.

I recently had a meeting with a professional who sought to sell his services to me. What was so refreshing about this man was his humility and openness to conversation and thought. No boasting. No posturing. Flexible…understanding…which sent me a message that he cared about my business and pleasure through the process.

His presence was not at the expense of others and demonstrated to me that my opinions mattered. This is the kind of display that should be acknowledged and awarded…and you know what? He will win my business because of his awareness of others and care to “not” be like a typical, bullheaded and inflexible stuffed-shirt man.

Now of course I am going to receive emails that espouse disdain for my “watered-down” version of men behaving Normally. I welcome the conversation and dialogue. Humility fends off arrogance and “above-the-law” mentalities which only further plant men as “know-it-all’s” who think their ideas and presence are above all others. If anyone can tell me that our gender will advance with boastful and arrogant men I will turn around and give you a litany of fallen “heroes” from the American Landscape: Tiger Woods, Mark Mcgwire, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Vick, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Eliot Spitzer, James Frey of Oprah fame who wrote fake memoir and bestseller, and sadly in my opinion Jay Leno for his thievery of the Tonight Show for a second go-round.

Which leads me to this…Conan O’Brien’s statement to NBC and the greater American public, though sad, was a wonderful example of humility. Mr. O’Brien’s understanding of his “problems” in the grand scheme of the world we live in was refreshing and hopefully trending towards Normal. Though he appears to be losing his dream job he can leave with his head held high. If you have taken the time to read his letter then you will see that his concerns lie not with himself and his image, but rather with those professionals and their families that moved across the country to support his dream gig. Here’s to you “funny-man” for giving the rest of Normal Males a glimpse of humility we can all be proud of!!
Dr. Rod

Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male
Twitter: thenormalmale

How objectification silences women – the male glance as a psychological muzzle : Not Exactly Rocket Science

Very real and interesting read on how men impact women. Normal Males need to chime in on this because the women in our lives deserve better.
Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

How objectification silences women – the male glance as a psychological muzzle : Not Exactly Rocket Science

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