Jake Pavelka…Just Followin His Heart

Jake and His Special Lady

Well, he did it! Jake Pavelka made his decision. He went out on a limb and chose Vienna Girardi over Tenley Molzahn. Of course life will go on, birds will sing, and our politicians will still be arguing over health care reform as they go in for their annual prostate exam.

Life will get back to Normal. But…I would be cheating the both of us if I didn’t take the time to recap “…the most DRAMATIC season yet!” (Host Chris Harrison’s voice)…And, why shouldn’t we? You and I know that you watched it. You were glued to the drama, the intrigue, and probably even had your favorite “horse” in the race. Mine lost. I will admit it. I thought Jake would choose Tenley. He didn’t and now I wait in purgatory…waiting for another rendition of roses and champagne. Which brings me to the small, but irritating rash Jake gave me that just won’t subside no matter how much cage wrestling I watch to cleanse myself of the romantic hit show—which is this notion that he was just following his heart.

Come Back My Heart! Come Back!

I am not sure if you noticed, but Mr. Pavelka made it his mission to tell the world that what he was really doing all season was chasing after and following his heart to its desire. So much ABC saturation has given me an image of Jake chasing after his heart like it was a little gopher on a golf course. You know the character—the little #$%# that pops up for just a second and then burrows far beneath our reach…snickering along the way.

Put Your Champagne Flute Down Jake...NOW!

Jake said it so often that I really wondered who was making the final decision? Was it his family? Was it his friends? Was it his flight crew or was it even Chris Harrison (Host of The Bachelor)? It couldn’t actually be this elusive organ running around Malibu…Could it?

I even found myself digging through old nursery rhymes like “Where O Where Has My Little Dog Gone?” I just couldn’t understand the lack of personal choice with such a significant decision to be made. I actually think Jake is fooling all of us. I think that he actually thought of this strategy to avoid persecution from the viewers and the 24 spurned lovers. Think about it–you can’t blame Jake for not picking you…you must blame his rogue heart. Brilliant! Brilliant!…as a couple of Guinness guzzling gents might say! Brilliant!

All joking aside…the show captures all of us because of the fundamental question it tries to answer–How do we all find and select a mate? What is the secret? Is there true happiness? Let’s face it–there were more people watching The Bachelor who are in lukewarm relationships and marriages than those in passionate, supportive, team oriented ones. “Just the facts mam…just the facts.”

This is precisely why the show is casting the next two seasons with Allie already booked to be the next Bachelorette. People want to see others struggle with the love game…while others want to see what romance under the lights looks like. Some of us wonder how we would fare on the show and some of us scoff at the notion that love can be found on a dating carousel.

For the Love of the Game...

According to Jake he found it. I just hope that he can control his heart when Vienna isn’t lathering him up in a sulfur pool with mud from the Gods. When she is Normal and not waiting for him at every terminal will that little weasel of a heart race off to another port of call. Here’s to Jake and Vienna—I wish you all the best with your relationship, Jake’s gopher-heart, and your golf game. You just never know when you’ll shank your tee shot off the 18th tee.

Best of Luck!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Has Your Marriage Been Condemned…by You?

You have done it. It has been said. What else can be said? Have you seen enough? If you have been following this week’s series on the Divorce Life-Cycle then you know that we have reached our 4th stage of Condemnation. You and I have looked at Irritation, Contemplation, and Irrigation all the while feeling the roller-coaster of emotions that accompany love in the E.R.

And…if you are going through this cycle or have in the past, you know the ebb and flow of emotions that sways in the wind like a springtime thunder storm rolling over the plains. You are desperate to get “it” through their “head.” You want reciprocity! You want to see them “prove” they love you and you want it now. Where do you turn?

Well if we take history or folklore into account…we might feel a bit like Paul Revere as he took his midnight ride through Boston in 1775 yelling, “The Redcoats are coming!! The Redcoats are coming!!” We are dying for anybody and everybody to take up our cause. We want their support of our campaign against our spouse and we do not want to hear of salvation or commitment or promises. We feel that we have exhausted all options and we have begun to lay the foundation for an exit plan even though many of us won’t readily admit it during this stage.

We want to feel Normal! We want to cease feelings of craziness and disillusionment. So what we do is we test the waters. We dip our toes in…share a little at a time…and see if any of our family, friends, or colleagues take the bait. We crave ears like a Texan craves brisket. We want it all and we want the unbiased and supportive ears of anyone in our path. o

And…if we don’t get the response that we want we begin to act like first-year lawyers staking out our claims and passion for “justice.” We get big picture. We talk about dreams and what we thought we wanted and we condemn the inaction of our spouse like a building unfit for human occupation. NOW we want others to see the cracks in our marriage.

We tried Irrigation tactics…in our hearts we tried to “work” at getting the marriage back, but if you are like me and the millions of other divorcee’s…you probably found yourself setting a trap for your spouse. It becomes so easy, when your trust is waning, to “provide” your spouse with opportunities to reform their usual and irritating ways. What happens, though, is that what you really are doing is setting a “trap” where both parties are going to lose out. You want dramatic and swift change and you wouldn’t mind if they threw in a little humility and honesty. And…when you get anything less than a miracle…you want to explode.

You run to your friends and anyone who will hear and you spill your guts just praying that someone will utter the most damning words to a marriage in trouble…

“You deserve better…You deserve someone who loves you for you.”

Once those words have been released into the atmosphere there comes the crossroads you never thought you would find yourself at. The intersection of life that takes you back to childhood wondering which path to take in this big, scary, and often lonely world. To feel these emotions…to feel this level of pain can be heartbreaking. You never wanted to get to this place and yet some part of you desperately did. You wanted the mental and emotional freedom to explore life the way it was “intended” to be…not shackled to the skeletons of your spouse and not restrained by your personal fear of abandonment.

To be a Normal Male and Female means experiencing all facets of a relationship…the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, whether we are Paul Revere galloping through our life in desperate need for outside support…we all want to know that what we are feeling, fearing, and hoping for is NORMAL.

Let me tell you this…it is Normal and not going through these emotional cycles would make you abnormal. Life is often a great mythical tragedy filled with love, passion, romance, defeat, and rebirth…the question is whether you can weather this stage of your marriage to make a decision that will truly point you in a direction of emotional prosperity…with or without your spouse.

I leave the answer to you because some will emerge with a new appreciation for the quirks and idiosyncrasies of their partner and others will determine that Reconciliation (Stage 5 coming Monday) means forgiveness for the difficult decision ahead and all of the challenges that await the dissolution of a marriage once thought indestructible.
Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Normal Males are Marrying Up?

Well…we knew it was coming! Like the waft of garlic at an Italian eatery coating us with cultural adornment and fantastic memories…we have seen the financial and educational shift and its’ impact on marriage…leaving men wondering about the aftertaste and just when will it go away and if not…then when and what do we do about our change in position at home and at work?

Stories abound in the NYT and morning talk shows with research just released from the Pew Research Center that reveal a startling analysis of census data for men and women aged 30 to 44 years old.

The report finds that this generation of women out number their gender counterpart in college attendance and degrees and where their earnings have been increasing since 1970. How could we have not seen this coming? We all watch Jake Pavelka, The Bachelor, right? Well, if he is actually going to propose at the end of ABC’s commercial scam then that lucky lady will have to be “ok” with Jake only being a pilot…and we have all seen the stories of how little money pilots actually make.

The research discusses the challenge for African-American women who are struggling to find adequate mates who hold degrees and stable jobs and who will emotionally support a change in breadwinner status. That will be a component for another day and another post. One that remains of monumental concern for the long term development of African-American boys…but let’s stick with the “simple” implications for the genders shall we…

Ok, let’s “Do It” as Nike might say even though they might want a revision to that tag line given Tiger Wood’s recent activity and rumored therapeutic interventions.

Are we talking about women or are we talking about men and their underlying fears and fragile egos? Are we talking about saving the next generation of young women from same-aged males who are feeling the effects of a splintered and cracked windshield to the world?

These findings are another example of the absolute need for Change, if I may borrow from President Obama, within the Normal Male community. Not only are we, as a country, losing steam in the “Race-to-the-Top” for educational prowess in the world, but males are the ones dragging us down.

Women and girls have, frankly, been kicking our tails in every descriptive statistic available while we have been on the couch relieving our youth or at least hoping to as if we could do a “Brett Favre” and show the world who is still the “best.”

Perception can in-fact be reality and Normal Males need to respond to such findings and support the women in our lives that are providing and modeling responsible commitment levels to family and work.

Redefining Normal Males is imperative for our economy, our communities, our families, and our own personal development and growth. If we, as men, continue to sit on the sidelines waiting to be called into an intramural basketball game for rickety ole’ former “has-beens” we will end up just like they do after a sad Saturday game at the Y…sweating, discombobulated, and wondering where the years went.

We cannot afford apathy of any degree…we need to understand the world we currently inhabit…not the one we came from…and understand the demands and requirements of this world so that we can be better to ourselves and those in our lives. If we refuse and treat these findings as a threat, then we run the risk of sacrificing another generation of boys who are starving for direction, support, and social-emotional development.

Luckily Darwin has long sense passed, otherwise our entire gender might succumb to Natural Selection and be booted off this rock for failing to provide anything of substance to our species. Maybe we need a natural preserve where we can be studied…where we are provided food, water, and shelter for the scientists to better understand our natural patterns of behavior and communication. Shoot, 60 Minutes did a story recently where researchers are doing that very thing for Forrest Elephants in an effort to develop an Elephant dictionary.

With today’s news let us celebrate the unbelievable accomplishments of the females in our lives, minus the Heidi Montag’s of the world, and look for solutions and support measures that speak the truth to all generations of males and work towards a positive evolution of Normal Males…one that we can all be proud of.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Normal Males Really Desire the Heidi Montag’s of the World?

If you haven’t read about the “Hills” star Heidi Montag than you have missed a golden opportunity to see how young girls and women are impacted by media and men (click here to watch GMA interview with Heidi). Ms Montag is showing off her new look after completing 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day.

As I watched the story this morning on the news I was struck by my flat affect…does this really surprise me? Should I be shocked that this reality “star” turned singer had so many procedures? And…my answer came only when I heard that she is a mere 23 years-old.

To think that a 23 year-old young woman who states that she is promoting inner beauty stinks of arrogance and ignorance for the role she plays in the very people who will probably buy her new album. “Superficial” is the name of her new album and titled quite appropriately if you ask a Normal Males opinion.

My hope is that young girls and women call out Heidi Montag for her approach to beauty and ridiculous statements that…”tripple D’s aren’t big enough”…and support those in the spotlight that provide healthy examples. Actress Emmy Rossum did just that blasting Heidi for her poor example during a time of global heartache and need.

The question to ponder is this…What role do men play in young women’s approach and possible addiction to perfecting their outward appearance? Is this a matter of “natural selection”…that we males will only select females based on perfected body features for marriage and procreation?

Normal Males know, even if they don’t want to admit it to their buddies during football and beer, that though they may desire or dream about “fake” women for short-term sexual prowess…they all know that long term love and companionship are nearly impossible with someone so consumed by themselves. Let’s think practically…if a man or woman is so focused on the perfection of their bodies what time do they have to share with you.

Men play a significant role in the responding to the “Heidi’s” of the world…we need to let all females know that we fear being accepted, looking “buff” enough, tall enough, and we sure won’t survive being with a woman who perpetuates that fear of never falling “below” the line of perfection.

On the Bachelor last night, Jake Pavelka made two decisions that could make Normal Males proud. Faced with a majority of female contestants that appear to have gone “under-the-knife”, Jake sent two packing because of their in-authenticity. .

Young girls and women hear this…(trumpets bellowing in the background)…Normal Males want to find someone to love, to be loved by, to share with, to feel safe when scared, someone who is comfortable nurturing our fragile ego (See Jake last night ask for that of Vienna after bungee jump), someone who understands being lazy on a Saturday, and one who challenges us.

None of the above hopes require looks that resemble packaging and plastic…they require comfort in ones’ skin. We, Normal Males, will work hard to support you and hope that adult women will support Normal Females as well.

Looking perfect only masks the imperfections on the inside. We’ll work hard on our end to treat you better and communicate those things we love and would never trade for physical alterations.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Normal Males & Marriage Mix?

Every now and then I am reminded of my place in this world and yesterday was no exception. My fiance and I ventured downtown to the “big” wedding convention to swim through the vendor booths, snack on bite size cake samples, and yes…attend the bride and groom fashion show. A full day I assure you.

To begin we had to shuffle through the crowd to register and receive our goody-bag and a convention badge. One that said Bride and ONE that said GROOM

Yes, I was treated like gold and adorned with a name placard with pink string and manly font…and of course this “gift” was not given without comment. The very nice women who was registering us was so happy that I was there…”We make so many of these badges and none of the men ever come….you’ve got a good one.”

Now…should I feel like James Cameron and on “top of the world” or should I be embarrassed that other grooms-to-be were sitting their butts on the couch to watch Brett Favre dismantle Jessica Simpson’s Ex?

Embarrassed? Yes! Annoyed? Yes…with two things.

1. Men are so low on the totem poll with this thing called a wedding that begins a MARRIAGE that when we do show up to be an active participant in the planning other women don’t know how to respond. And, in regards to the woman who registered us…she found it fit to salute me while talking to me in a tone fit for a toddler who successfully completed a somersault in a mommy-and-me gym class.

2. And of course there has to be a sequel to point number 1 because…and I will admit this…males have been so poor in speaking up and participating in an event and life-altering decision that women have been forced to think of us as just another chair-cover or centerpiece or vendor relationship they ultimately have to cross off of a list.

Why can’t males act in a Normal fashion for their nuptials? Have weddings turned so commercial that men feel excluded? There may be a point to that and some reading this might be of such opinion, but I tend to think it is more of a reflection of males inadequate participation levels.

Men wonder why they feel excluded and find it easy to pout in the corner when not actively asked to join in…yours included on those bad, personally cloudy days…,but that is no excuse! You, me, and the rest of the Normal Males need to “jump” into the water…it isn’t as cold as you might think and won’t leave you wishing for warmer water and anti-shrinkage pills.

Marriage and the weddings that introduce the union should be approached in an active and collaborative fashion. Guys…we can’t blame the women in our lives for thinking we care more about the pig-skin than the sheen of a wedding gown, nor can we blame them for making decisions for us with our future mother-n-laws. Step up and be accounted for…wearing a badge that says “Groom” next to your lovely fiance is pretty cool when all is said in done….now where did I put my emery board?

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Men and Humility Mix?

As we explore what Normal Males look, feel, sound, and ultimately act like it becomes increasingly clear that the majority of our societal friction begins with our general lack of humility. What does it mean to have humility and when are we encouraged to display healthy doses of it? Do we want President Obama to demonstrate humility? Do we want our Husbands and Fathers to demonstrate humility? What about those men we encounter out in the public sector?

Does humility imply weakness? Are there benefits to humility? Does humility even belong in our lives? All of these questions and more allow us all to explore the nature of manliness and where and when we would like to see humility displayed.

Many of the men in the public eye are scrutinized for showing too little or too much humility. Former President Bush was hard pressed to display humility and for some that felt safe…for others stubbornness and inflexible. President Obama discusses humility and tact often and the Right calls it “waffling.”

Do we want Normal Males to boast about their accomplishments and level of importance in our lives? I think there is a time and place and conveying a built-in flexibility shows young boys and men that life is not always about inflating ones’ posture to win the crowd.

I recently had a meeting with a professional who sought to sell his services to me. What was so refreshing about this man was his humility and openness to conversation and thought. No boasting. No posturing. Flexible…understanding…which sent me a message that he cared about my business and pleasure through the process.

His presence was not at the expense of others and demonstrated to me that my opinions mattered. This is the kind of display that should be acknowledged and awarded…and you know what? He will win my business because of his awareness of others and care to “not” be like a typical, bullheaded and inflexible stuffed-shirt man.

Now of course I am going to receive emails that espouse disdain for my “watered-down” version of men behaving Normally. I welcome the conversation and dialogue. Humility fends off arrogance and “above-the-law” mentalities which only further plant men as “know-it-all’s” who think their ideas and presence are above all others. If anyone can tell me that our gender will advance with boastful and arrogant men I will turn around and give you a litany of fallen “heroes” from the American Landscape: Tiger Woods, Mark Mcgwire, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Vick, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Eliot Spitzer, James Frey of Oprah fame who wrote fake memoir and bestseller, and sadly in my opinion Jay Leno for his thievery of the Tonight Show for a second go-round.

Which leads me to this…Conan O’Brien’s statement to NBC and the greater American public, though sad, was a wonderful example of humility. Mr. O’Brien’s understanding of his “problems” in the grand scheme of the world we live in was refreshing and hopefully trending towards Normal. Though he appears to be losing his dream job he can leave with his head held high. If you have taken the time to read his letter then you will see that his concerns lie not with himself and his image, but rather with those professionals and their families that moved across the country to support his dream gig. Here’s to you “funny-man” for giving the rest of Normal Males a glimpse of humility we can all be proud of!!
Dr. Rod

Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male
Twitter: thenormalmale

How objectification silences women – the male glance as a psychological muzzle : Not Exactly Rocket Science

Very real and interesting read on how men impact women. Normal Males need to chime in on this because the women in our lives deserve better.
Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

How objectification silences women – the male glance as a psychological muzzle : Not Exactly Rocket Science

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Top 10 Reasons Women are the Best Role Models for Males

Too Perfect?

Really a man hater?

The Top 10 Reasons Women are actually the best role models for males of all ages! This statement comes on the heels of yesterday’s post about Dick Masterson.

In his Top 10 he postulates that wearing watches makes men different/better and so on. I am here to offer a rebuttal on behalf of all of the Normal Males who are tired of the Dick Mastersons of the world parading around as the poster for all men. To admit proficiency and success by women is not just an olive branch to say “hang in there with us cavemen,” but rather it is honoring skill sets that we need assistance in. Here we go:

10. Women demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Boys and men struggle mightily, yours included, to understand and use our emotions in a positive and productive manner. If we steer our attention away from the men in our lives, if we have them, and onto the positive women around us we might pick up some clues on how to read our impact on others in this world.

9. Women understand that we have fragile egos.
Because boys and men have not been taught to respect and acknowledge their feelings we develop very thin skins throughout life. Women understand this and are pretty adept at handling our egos. The challenge is when we don’t evolve our efforts women feel like they are our mothers and communication follows in motherly and perceived condescending tones.

8. Women show what true multi-tasking looks like.
Women are not the ones who have to sit on the couch and watch 12 replays of a meaningless Bowl Game. Women are not the ones who have to say, “Please don’t talk to me for at least 20 minutes when I get home from work.” Women demonstrate that they can emotionally multi-task for days on end and we play the “dumb man.” You know what I am talking about…i.e. …”if I show her that I can paint the garage then she will want me to paint all the rooms in the house…and I have football and ping pong and Olympic downhill to watch.” Women are not out to have us do “everything” guys. They are merely giving us opportunity after opportunity to demonstrate that we are committed to them and the relationship. Am I right ladies?

7. Women demonstrate the greatest in sacrifice and follow-through.
It is women not men that over and over demonstrate commitment and follow-through in regards to child care. Yes there are great fathers and providers out there, but the majority struggle with connecting and the detachment can cause a permanent crack in a parent-child relationship. I want others to prove me wrong on this point and if there are so many good fathers out there then why not stand up and be counted so that young boys have something to aspire to?

6. Women are not the ones who leave children parent-less.
This goes without saying and was touched on in number 5 above. Even young mothers understand that they have a responsibility to care for the one the bore. Young men play a polka and dart out as soon as their partner has a routine “down.” The role model is the one that understands that actions have consequences and subsequent responsibilities. Men like to fight for causes—this should be a cause that rivals our actions and commitments in the Middle East.

5. Women are often the greatest motivators, as spouses, to some of the most accomplished men.
As the adage goes, “Behind every great man is an even greater woman.” Have you ever stopped to think about that? We, men, need to patted on the back more than even most women know…in the bedroom and boardroom. So it should come as no surprise that most women want to support their man for as far as his dreams can reach. Can men say the same of their commitment to the women in their lives? I will leave the answers up to you?

4. Women are better at sharing what is bothering them.
Dick Masterson might say that sharing is for babies and is a waste of time, but how does he think our species expanded? Through the art of grunting? Or, through the art of story telling and language development and refinement? The next time you or the man in your life, for the women reading this, clams up when asked how they are feeling do not miss an opportunity to share what is truly going on. Is it an art form that requires practice? Yes! Is it something that men have the aptitude for? Absolutely! I implore those women who work with young boys to take this to heart—please continue to ask questions even when you get an “I’m fine” response. Don’t badger, but rather be inquisitive and supportive and learn about what is important to these boys. If you don’t who will? These same boys go home to men who tell them to suck it up and/or take it out on the punching bag out back.

3. Women demonstrate poise when we “screw” up and continue to love us.
When a man witnesses a female in his life screw up he can often be found giving an “I told you so” speech that goes on and on because he doesn’t feel heard. Is this the message we want boys and young men to get? No. Having discussions with young men about poise and understanding others circumstances will only expand his own understanding of himself and those around him. Thank you ladies for being patient with us.

2. Women pay attention to the details of a relationship.
Now I would like to say that I am “different” and take pride in this area, but that would only be for my ego. Ok, I am pretty good, but women on the whole are very good at this area and males of all ages should take note. It is not unlike a boy who appreciates it when others remember the “play from Friday night’s game when you scored the touchdown.” It feels good when we know others are thinking of us even when we are not around. Men, I hate to say it, have short attention spans. If we could learn to take notice of even the smallest things we might see the same done for us and we all know we need our egos massaged…right Tiger?

1. Women will, in fact, admit their wrongs when approached in a humane and insightful manner.
And the winner is admitting fault when we are wrong! Why? Well if you think about it this exchange, if not done properly, can be the precursor to many arguments and bitterness if left out like last months eggnog. Our egos are so fragile that if we admit wrong doing we run the risk of shame entering into our landscape. I speak about this all the time in my I.S.S. Boys presentations (In School Suspension) for schools and students. Shame is akin to kryptonite and every boy and man wants to be Superman–I’m just saying…there goes my cat gnawing at my cape again as I finish this post. Men are often the worst role models of appropriate concessions and only perpetuate the stereotype that we have “short fuses.” I know there are jokes out there about fuses…that deserves an entire publication to discuss. Admitting we are wrong does not or does not have to induce shame, rather it allows us to have a conversation about our intentions and the potential impact of those actions on the ones around us.

And so whether or not you are unsure of your position on the spectrum of manliness know this; From the new Bachelor Jake Pavelka to Tiger Woods to Dick Masterson our middle and Normal can be found in the men who understand the value women bring to our lives and the lessons they have provided us. Thoughts? Challenges? Email me at drrod@thenormalmale.com

Jake Pavelka The Bachelor

Jake is The Normal Male?

Last night Jake Pavelka entered the Dating Biosphere to find his one and only. Based on the first show most of the women are glued to his abs, teeth, and views of him doing daily activities without a shirt. Are women really better than men when it comes to what matters? Let me know!