Do Women Feel Pressure to be Intimate on Valentines Day?

Intimate Expectations are a Killer!

Are you ready? Have you geared up? Have you truly thought about how you will act and respond to your partners overtures this weekend? Remember this is the weekend of love…the weekend where couples have to be reminded to make one another special. Even if for just a day or night we are told to put our partner up on a pedestal.

For some men and women the best in creativity and expression come out in a magical way. For others, the holiday highlights all that is wrong with our relationships and emphasizes the clunker of a sex life you actually have. And though you might have gotten your hopes up that you could trade your clunker in for cash this year…you quickly realize that Valentines Day is one of your least favorite holidays.

Valentines Day is the only holiday where sex and intimacy are actually promoted, kids are demoted from activities, and dinner is most often prepared by others at a restaurant and not grandma Sue. This is a holiday that promotes procreation, separates the nuclear family, and lightens the checking accounts of millions of Americans on gifts and gadgets meant to be stored in cool-dark out of the way set of dresser drawers.

Pressure? For whom? Men? Women? Both? YES! An astounding number of sexless marriages exist and the number has probably skyrocketed since the recession. A mandatory holiday can be just the thing that sends us to divorce court.

Have you actually ever thought about that? Forced intimacy with the person you are supposed to be in love with can be one of the most treacherous endeavors this side of sanitation work. No one wants to make their partner feel bad, less than, and/or not loved unconditionally even if you are mired in a marital pothole. And the devastating part is that most couples know that they really don’t want to be intimate but both parties feel pressured to be intimate. It becomes a challenge of immense proportions to discuss your fears with your partner when you are supposed to be celebrating your union.

How do you go from arguing a majority of the time to making love the next? You could be one of those couples that lets sex communicate for you. You could be one of those couples who are collaborating on the hoax of your love by saying, “…he/she is my partner and sex really isn’t a big part of our relationship.”

Either way most men and women dry heave at the thought of forced expressions of love. Nobody wants to be told when to hug, to caress, say the right things, act the right way, and/or pray that this year will be different when you haven’t seen the proof in over ten years. We all want love to be and feel organic, spontaneous and wrought with explosions of passion. Life happens though, we choose partners that we are only lukewarm to, and fantasize about characters in books and movies that live a life filled with excitement and passion.

What we want is to feel like we did when we were teenagers. We want to bubble up with excitement…with pride for the surprises we have planned for this glorious day. But we aren’t 15 anymore and the memories of yesteryear dissipate…for some they even bring back all of the terrible Valentines Day’s of the past. I remember asking out and breaking up was actually planned around Valentines Day. You see, many men might not share this with you, but a great many have and continue into adulthood to think about the financial costs of the holiday and the commitment it implies.

Men think in practical terms, are guided by thoughts of sexual prowess and conquest, and ultimately weigh their romantic options on a financial scale. If you are new to us and we just met you in January then we might think twice about the gift we give and the sappiness displayed. So many men worry about what messages will be sent and the commitment we think you expect from us.

On the flip side…a number of boys and men breakup with their girlfriends prior to Valentines Day for the exact same reasons.

The Breakup Girl can Help!

They are broke and are afraid to ask for forgiveness. They are not keen on re-upping their love commitment and fear another Valentines Day will send the relationship up another tier on the ladder of love…and some are foolish enough to desire freedom to date another women and spend the money they didn’t want to spend on you.  Yes…we men are ridiculous.

So on this, the weekend of love I hope that you have done your due diligence and expressed your concerns to your partner prior to the big day. I hope that you have shared your fears of inflated expectations and demonstrated compassion for your relationship. If you haven’t and are deathly afraid of waking up the day after Valentines day in puddles, then I suggest you sit down and think about your relationship—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Due a status report on where your love meter is at and what you have or have not done to contribute to today’s challenges. You and your spouse probably aren’t as bad as you might think and probably not as great as you might think either. Love takes work, compassion for your self and your partner, and a commitment to service it more regularly than Jiffy Lube suggests. Shouldn’t you service the check engine light of your relationship?

All the Best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Do Women Want a Father or a Man for a Spouse?

Marry Me?

We have all heard the wives tale that women like the bad boy or the rebel. We have all gone through the the riggers of middle school/junior high where the skater was the hip and cool guy often leaving the nice guys to finish last. But just like a prevailing wind stirs up dust and debris…women discover that once the dust settles what they really want in a man is someone who resembles a caretaker more than a rebel.

This of course may cause some of my female readers to scoff or even curse my name…you wouldn’t be the first ;)…but this is a reality that permeates a great number of marriages. Many women want to marry someone safe…someone like their father. The challenges to this scenario are obvious yet quite elusive to cure.

How is it that a woman can look at her husband and desire him sexually if she sees her father? How can a woman reconcile the fact that she not only despises her associations to dad, but knows that she has been a significant contributor to the problem?

Does Father Know Best in Marriage?

One could argue that we are truly battling ingrained evolutionary commodities. For thousands of years our genders have had pretty basic roles for the successful continuation of our species. Men hunt and protect…women bear and raise children. Others could take that premise and add a dose of social norms and practices to demonstrate the evolution of expected roles and responsibilities.

Did Father really Know Best or are we all experiencing self-inflicted wounds? We think battling debt collectors is tough…how about battling the entirety of a species groomed for procreation and protection from villains? I guess if extinction were our goal then we might all approach marriage like Liz Taylor. But, we don’t and so we look for men who will excite us during the initial chapters, console in the middle, and protect throughout the duration of our life’s story. Quite a lot to juggle. Quite a lot to comprehend on a random Friday night when he wants to be intimate and all you can think about is how long it has been since he took out the recycling.

Nobody teaches, men or women, that love evolves just like our greater species does. That love blossoms into appreciation and back to love like a fantastic yo-yo trick. We wish we knew how to manipulate love to coincide with our moods, dreams, desires, and fears…but that is the beauty of love and why we KNOW it when we feel it. Thus the challenge is to better prepare ourselves for the curves ahead even if the road may be winding to an unknown location. What we don’t want is to come to a pass where we are lost for words, pay attention to mundane things not related to love, and forget the reasons we found our spouse so exciting and sexy during the courting phase.

“I feel like my husband is my father more than he is my best friend.”

–her confessions Her Magazine Nashville February 2010

Her Magazine February 2010

It can become quite sad…quite fast when a marriage has reached the fatherly-friendship phase. A phase marked by rigidity and ingrained roles that suit neither party. The woman and the man are unhappy yet feel torn. A man, for instance, likes the feeling of responsibility and safety he provides his family. He gains great satisfaction from knowing what is right and wrong. He relished the times when his opinion is sought over all others. That is how he was raised…either by a real, in the home father or by movies and t.v. There can be a great sense of pride for a man who knows he provides his wife and children such protection.

Normal Males do not want to feel alone or isolated as the Grand Pubah all of the time. They want to feel the great duality of humanity…that they can be the protector and recipient of protection and guidance too. Normal Males want their wives to feel safe, sexy, and secure. And thus we struggle to understand the delicate balance between knowing everything (which we do not but act like we do or should) and seeking the arms of our partners…making us a lot like you. Just as much as some women want to be married to a father figure…men too want to be married to a mother figure.

A Mother's Love...A Woman's Touch

And, so goes the pendulum…swinging back-and-forth between controlling…I mean parenting our spouse and loving and desiring our spouse. Both genders are guilty and maybe men are to blame even more because there are currently so few good men representing fathers and husbands. I would imagine women feel like we push them to mother us because we play dumb so often.

It truly speaks to the notion that we are what we are when we enter marriage with another human being. We are that lonely child wondering where dad is. We are that young person that desperately wants guidance from the parent of the other gender only to be disappointed with every missed visitation. We are that scorned lover who went bad only to miss the caress of a protector.

We are all of these things and more, and our challenge as men and women is to understand the ebb and flow of romantic love, know that it won’t cure the ills of a lost or jaded rearing, and that you too will change your wants and needs throughout your marital union.

After a series of setbacks myself, I am of the mindset that we, adults, can actually learn a thing or two from our younger generations. You see…when we all were experiencing the great rush of hormones we selected mates on attributes that excited and thrilled us. As we got older we begin to select mates out of a need to complete a Checklist. We did so after seeing our own caretakers and assumed that that was what love and marriage were all about–becoming friends whose greatest affection came after work and before dinner with a symbolic peck on the cheek.

We forgot that love symbolizes living. That to select a mate means that we are compatible on a number of levels…not just lust and not just protection. Nobody wants to be pegged as someone’s parental savior…you don’t want that for yourself because you will be forever disappointed…and you don’t want that for your partner because the only love you will get will be on February 14th in the form of a, “I couldn’t have written it better” card.

If you are married currently…communicate with your spouse the challenges of your wants and needs and I bet you will get a sigh of relief in return…because they are experiencing the same Normal feelings as you.

All the Best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Why Do Men Treat Women Like a Love Transaction?

Honey...I mean CFO...I mean...

Why do men treat women they court as a deal, a transaction, a competition? Can we trace it back to the days on the savanna? Can we blame Chuck Woolery for forcing competition on The Love Connection? What about Hallmark? Should we blame them for creating holiday after holiday to supplement dumb men who forget to communicate their love on a regular basis?

…and we haven’t even talked about competition between men for women! Are my muscles bigger than his? What does he drive? Do? Where does he live? I have a better head of hair! He has bad teeth, manners, hygiene, and is a sloppy drunk! I listen, shop when I don’t feel like it, mow the lawn regularly, know about and take care of both nose and ear hair…pick me!

How Can You NOT Call it a Transaction?

It can be very competitive for men and we, as a gender, have been trained to understand the value of money and the art of the transaction in the sea of love. We are pretty good at scoping out the future value..i.e. what it will be like to be in a relationship with you after successfully navigating the gauntlet. And, it is for this reason and the right to be the Silver-Back of the group that we allow some pretty odd and outdated traditions to take place…

Why else would we allow ourselves to be poked and prodded by your family and friends? From getting approval from dad, to polygraphs for Raymond Focker, the landscape may have changed but the supporting characters and media fodder have not when it comes to pursuing love. We have been shaken by centuries of doubt, judgment, and gossiping. The impact has been significant…

Mrs. Degree? How Much Will That Cost?

In fact, we are actually quite dainty hunters…even a tad moody. We don’t like to feel pressure. We don’t like to feel rushed or told how to hunt. We want to be celebrated for every effort we make because…well…quite frankly we have very thin skin. Men of all dispositions, Normal and Nut-Job, hear the calls from women and their mothers wondering when they will step up to the plate. We have been conditioned to think that money and material goods are the way to your heart. Are we wrong? Should we take another approach?

Maybe…maybe not. Women…if I might say…you have also played a role in the manner with which we court you.

We pay attention even if for a brief moment between video games, belching, and adult kickball games meant for males to recapture their testosterone crown and understand the seriousness with which you approach love and commitment…shoot, we even hear some women talk of getting their Mrs. degree.

An actual Marriage-Hunting Bra?

We see commercials that spew messages like cold weather, blustery nights, diamonds…and then hugs. We get it. You get it…and the struggle is breaking the transactional approach once we both have committed to each other.

Normal Males understand the barren wasteland of actual good men or should I say candidates for women today. We will concede to our other halves. The question I pose is this:

What role do women play in transactional love?

How can we keep the notion of value and competition for something precious while also valuing the effort and the man for who he is and not what he can do for you?

Trust me when I say that most Normal Males would be just fine if the expectations and practices of courtship changed…even slightly. It can be overwhelming to even the best men. And, I believe that the current system actually sets couples up for failure. Women are led to believe, from media and those around them, that love is something you buy and it is about both quality and quantity. I have heard this over and over with the couples I used to work with…”John used to buy me flowers, buy me gifts, etc.” The woman has every reason to feel let down and the man every reason to feel under water. She fell in love with a man who understood the currency of courtship, equated it to land ownership and attainment of goods, and brushed off his hands as if to say, “ok…what now?” She felt beautiful and special. He felt like a winner…and each waited for their gold medal ceremony to begin and never end.

Love is a One Step-at-a-Time Venture

He felt like he had earned something. Something akin to buying instead of renting. This may sound crude or brash, but men’s brains think and act like this. To rent means to constantly pay or fear being kicked out…i.e. “What have you done for me lately?” Owning a home symbolizes hard work, a history, and fruits of his labor. Why would a man want to subscribe to a relationship where, in his mind, he has to constantly prove himself for fear that he isn’t good enough.

It is no wonder why men fear commitment. Many men peer into their future and fear an unwieldiness of love, money, proof of life, and bottom-line economics. Daunting to be sure when you add in the little tidbit that males struggle to share their feelings and experiences with other males–we often fail to see that we are not alone and that what we are thinking, feeling, and experiencing has been felt by other males for centuries.

Both genders contribute to the problems associated with transactional love and it will take a constant and steady flow of thoughtfulness to break fear-based love, negative gender stereotypes, and family patterns. As we approach Valentines day, I wish all of the women well and hope that your days are filled with romance, conversation, and activities not based on money, but honest appreciation for each others lives. Guys…leave some flowers and a clever card for yours truly as I have yet to purchase the holiday necessities. 😉

Remember the TRUE meaning of love?

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

How Bad Are The Choices for Women? Looking for a decent guy can be difficult these days

Having Difficulty Finding a REAL Normal Man?

Yes…it is true. We have come to a place where inflatable men are now inhabiting my blog like a gnome pushing travel deals on television. I am not proud…nor giddy. What I am is perplexed. You see, I was recently speaking with a female colleague who shared how hard it has been to find a “decent guy.” I figured why don’t I take a look into this issue since we have all been discussing what men and women want.

I can look around and see for myself that the quality members of my gender are few and far between. I am beginning to think that the Normal Males in our world are actually a secret society whose mantra is,

“Keep the dumb men in the public eye and there will be more opportunity for us!”

This group, of which I am waiting for my membership card, resides in the shadows of our communities. Comes out in spurts and pounces on opportunities to trump the stereotypical meat head, hick, beer guzzling, proponent of continued male “domination” guy that proliferates our airwaves, television sets, and fast food joints. Yes, the Normal Males of the world understand that the bar has been set quite low and the daily struggle is to avoid complacency. It can be very easy to look and sound better than the average bear. You might even say that Normal Males can do it half asleep. So what is the problem? Why could this be bad for the evolved male? Well, it is quite simple…there are more of them then there are of us!! Our numbers our dwindling faster than Teabagger Sarah Palin’s credibility on FOX. We are losing out to a legion of men dedicated to colonial days and chew. We are quickly becoming a collective gender that skips out of college, grooming, care for others, and dynamic and flexible personalities.

We are the poster children for “Have it Your Way!”

Poor Dumb Men...

If you don’t believe me you should read The New Math on Campus story from the New York Times. Women are looking for us in earnest and coming up donuts. They cannot catch a break and the danger for the Normal Males is that when there is an actual siting…we tend to scare women off because they think that we just might be too good to be true, a farce, a con, when in fact we are decent men.

We are not perfect. We are not completely evolved for this century…just yet. We still find ourselves slipping up (Dating Games Men Play article) and maybe that is because we are so used to being clumped together with the out-of-date man y’all think is Normal.

We understand that you are looking for your soul mates. We are too! We want to love and care for you. We want to grow old and discover new and wonderful things about each other. We understand that we struggle in marketing our message. We absolutely need to improve our elevator pitch and we need to be more proactive in letting you know that we are the way we are because we care about ourselves first and ourselves in relationship second.

Please do not take this openness as bravado or ignorance. We have watched Oprah and HGTV all the while taking mental notes for future uses that will excite and surprise you. We are working hard to recruit other Normal Males who will vouch for us. We understand that you will judge us on the friends we keep and believe me we are cleaning house. We understand that the responsibility falls on us to inform the coming generations of boys. We want them believing in a world that has depth, conversation, good wine, football, and the arts.

Evolved and Muscular 🙂

What we need, to increase your odds and our population, is a little publicity from all of the kind and wonderful women reading this post today. Applaud the men that demonstrate multiple facets of gender evolution (i.e. good hygiene, care for others, good conversationalists and listeners etc.) and please support us when we exercise our natural tendencies to be and act like a man (i.e. watch sports while wearing shirts with holes, occasional belching, and odd emanating odors).

We promise to clean up, act up, and be the kind of man that makes us both proud. And, when you catch us staring into a mirror just know that we want to look good for you and more importantly for ourselves and our health.

Now if that darn mail carrier could just hurry up and bring me my membership card!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

Were YOU Bathed in Ignorance? Taking Relationship Advice from Family…

Where did you learn about love?

You can probably admit that you are either in a relationship currently or that you have been in one at some point in your lifetime. You and I have selected mates out of spite, for something “different”, in the name of love, as a rebound, in secret, in public, to satisfy your family, and/or to prove something to yourself.

You have followed in someone’s footsteps, made the same mistakes your mother and/or father made or find that any mate you choose appears better than the choices of your messed up sibling. You and I have paraded certain “someone’s” to holiday gatherings, graduations, and Super Bowl parties. Some of our “better-halves” have embarrassed us, scorned us, and even left us when we least expected it.

Have any of us ever sat down to explore the reasons for our decisions and the origins of our approach? I have and cannot believe how some of my decisions were made and how they were based on people that have struggled to know the secret(s) to successful relationships themselves.

I would imagine that I am not alone. So many of us Normal folk make the most important decisions based on faulty information and examples. This is not to say that our friends and family intend to sway us in dead-end directions, but for some reason picking a mate purely based on the fundamentals of love can be fleeting—at best.  We can become so obsessed with proving people wrong that choosing the right mate is…well…sadly inconsequential.

When we examined the beginning of what men and women want in a relationship last week we did not include the root of our desires and those most influential in our decision making process. And, doesn’t it make sense to have a better understanding of our histories and those of our “cabinet” if we are going to search out the correct suitors?

Who has played Cupid for YOU?

Shouldn’t we utilize our critical thinking skills when evaluating whether or not a friend who has been divorced twice should influence our thought process? If our mother has been divorced three times should we listen to her opinion of our choice? How should you respond when your colleague gives a thumbs up or down on your new partner when they haven’t had an online nibble from Match.com?

It reminds me of a Jerry Seinfeld bit, years ago, where he talked about scouring the grocery store to find healthy looking people to ascertain their daily diet. “You look healthy…what do you eat.” Makes some sense doesn’t it? Whether or not genetics play a role is irrelevant to our basic understanding…we see someone fit and trim and we can assume that they aren’t on a name-by-name basis at the local burger purveyor.

Why can’t we take the same approach in love? Why can’t we avoid our train wreck family and seek out those amongst us with happy and healthy relationships? Because for many of us…at least during one phase of our life…we really want to prove our family wrong or right the wrongs of the past with one fateful trip to the Justice of the Peace. Some of you reading this will think that I have lost my marbles…and others will be honest with themselves even if only in the corners of your mind.

10 Questions to ask yourself in the privacy of your own mind and preferably not at the family picnic:

1. Who have you gone to for relationship advice in the past and Why?
2. How much of the advice given do you actually put into practice?
3. How do you evaluate the quality of advice given to you?
4. Has it been easier to receive advice from outsiders or your spouse?
5. Do you pick confidants based on the expected advice…to support you when you need it even if you know that you need more honesty?
6. Looking back, can you determine a pattern of advice givers and outcomes?
7. Why is it that I can ask for references for local plumbers, but not for relationship advisors?
8. What am I ultimately afraid I will hear if I seek out advice from those individuals successful in love?
9. Am I one of those that likes to give advice on love and not receive it myself?
10. Who is the best example of a loving partner and what has been their mantra and approach?

We have all been exposed to various relationships and taken away a number of lessons. The challenge before all of us is to accurately evaluate the sources of information, their motivations, and our reactions to their influence. When two individuals join in union they bring their collective assumptions and experiences, all of which can fit nicely together in the beginning…often faltering in the end.

What Should I Do Jerry?

The ability to balance our needs from those well intentioned and the partner we have chosen takes a level of deftness most of us have yet to perfect. The nuclear family has found a slippery slope in our country and role models for love and affection have become collateral damage. We are quickly becoming a nation that finds love advice from self-help isles, BRAVO TV, Governor Sanford, and The Enquirer. And…when we don’t find suitable answers, we seek out friends and family that either support our neuroses or challenge our better judgment.

If we have a shot at correctly predicting what the other sex wants and how we can successfully integrate our needs and wants we HAVE to take a realistic look at who we seek out for answers and examples. Nothing against friends and family, but the minute I find one of them relishing in my success because it rectifies their past…I need to question the advice given. Taking stock tips from your mailman might make them happy, but won’t do anything to your pocketbook. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions of yourself and those giving advice…your “right” partner will thank you.

Continuing to wish you the best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

What Women AND Men Want!

How Far Do We Have To Go For The Right Partner?

Would you consider yourself a space traveler? How about a caveman or better yet a beer guzzling, in career transition, Homer Simpson-type that thinks women are supposed to fall at your feet? Are you a woman who has believed since birth that you are the Queen of Small-Town U.S.A. just waiting for others to notice? Have you screwed up past relationships? Have you promised your love and then shattered it within a day or two? Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I love you” to someone only to be followed with, “Oh s&*%” in your head? If you have then I want to officially welcome you to the human race. We are a unique species that you will find wonderment in. You will be astounded by our hypocrisy to each other and even ourselves. You will probably be blown away at how little we actually communicate to each other and how ridiculously in love we are with numero uno–ourselves!

Trying to answer the question as to What Women Want in a Man and even further the question of mixed or complex messages has been quite daunting for this author. I have received Top-10 lists, stories, emails, comments, retweets, short stories and even hypothetical transcripts depicting various male-female exchanges.

I have been told about parenthood, marriage late in life, and guys who try to pick up single moms and expect sexual intimacy after one date. You name it…The Normal Male has heard it. And, it has been through back-n-forth commentary with my readers that I have found something…something so simple that it could be considered devastatingly complex…maybe all of the back and forth between and within genders can be and should be traced back through the evolution of our species.

Please Help...Mork? Mindy?

Stay with me…there has to be a reason why males inherently want to be real-time, in the moment fixers. I mean let’s get real here…if we are so good and adept at solving problems why is it that we can’t see that not only do we not fix the problem at hand we actually exacerbate them? Why is it that for all of the women who say they want a sensitive and caring man they turn around and want to be “taken” during intimate moments? It is like we, as we are constituted today, are fighting ourselves and better yet our ancestors for a war we don’t even know exists. We are so wishy washy that if we had visitors from another planet they wouldn’t know where to begin…I am not even sure Mork & Mindy could figure it out!

Just a few months ago a survey was done that found women would like men to do more body hair grooming. So ladies, what you’re saying is that you can put up with a lot from men, but back hair has been present for far too long? Sounds silly and even a bit goofy, but if we are realistic about the litany of requests, obsessions, and compulsions we have about the other sex we would find that we are confused not only by their behavior, but in fact our own.

Need a Shave?

It can make one wonder if we are going through a change as we speak…Natural Selection?

I do not want to turn this into an Evolution versus Creationism debate…rather to note the obvious complexities in an area we all so desperately want to figure out.

Nobody wants to go through a divorce, be a single parent struggling to provide for their children, or be known as a serial-dater and/or scared of commitment. Do we? Maybe we do. Maybe we should stop trying to fight love and just surrender. Many of us have wondered, a time or two, if a good relationship and marriage are even attainable. Are we just playing the lotto or any scratch game hoping for the big win? You can’t tell me that marriage is left or should be left to chance…are you?

Some have shared with me this week that marriage should never end and people should and have to work at it. Others…disgruntled and well they should because they have experienced heartache, abuse, shattered dreams, and countless debt to their banks and families for the empty promises and countless discussions that are long past due. Many of us feel like we should be “paid up” for all of the misinformation, broken promises, and trips to nowhere we have stumbled through. We want someone else to pay and in the order of our choosing.

We often say that we want to punish those that have emotionally scarred us, but really what we do is punish the newbie in our lives for others past transgressions.

Where's My Southern Love Story?

Why? Because they are a warm body and we have to have someone pay for hurting us. We expected the Disney story, the Notebook ending, or at the very least a working phone number the night after a “what did I just do?” And, it is that flicker of hope that keeps us going. Keeps us looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right when all we see in front of us is “Oh No!”

We feel like we are in space sometimes and can sometimes be left to look to the stars for answers because we are lost and not in love. We treat the thought of love and marriage like something out of a science fiction flick that we can never quite put our finger on…but we get a feeling we know. It is the allure of love and marriage that keeps us looking for and expecting unearthly skills from the opposite gender on the off chance we become everything we aspire to be. This way we will have the perfect someone for our perfect-ness. It is ridiculous, but sadly true. Even Elaine from Seinfeld shared the prophecy when she predicted that her doctor-bound boyfriend would leave her after getting licensed. I mean if we can’t take our cue from the Seinfeld gang then I don’t know where to turn.

All kidding aside, marriage and love are meant to be elusive so that when we accidentally discover it…well we are blown away. And, once we have found it we take a chance…we each take a chance because to say otherwise would be self-proclamation of a higher order…one I don’t think any of us can be making. Chance? Yes!

Taking a Chance on Love?

Once found, though, we can’t leave success to chance. Success in a marriage for both parties requires significant reflection, insight, down-right work, and a slice of humble pie when all you want is a retribution sandwich.

Please continue to send your thoughts and comments as I will work to compile and share your experiences in a thoughtful and hopefully meaningful way. Wishing you all the best in love and marriage!

Dr. Rod

Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

What Do Women Want in a Man? Part 2

Get the Point...Guys?

Well I would imagine that the photo got your attention as it did for me when researching today’s post. Yesterday’s post on What Do Women Want in a Man sparked a lot of debate from readers all over the web. I was given Top 10 Lists, essays, and passionate emails detailing the stories of countless men and women. I was amazed at the diverse opinions and approaches. I had some men that talked about the duality of relationships…that men need to approach interpersonal situations with two different mindsets. That men need to be able to be strong when required and calming other times. I had women write in that they were concerned about the next generation of boys and their conceptualization of girls and women. And…I had women write in that placed a lion’s share of the responsibility on women themselves.

So…I am of the mindset that in order for all of us to have a healthy and spirited debate, we should call each others bluff, lay our cards on the table, and stand accountable for the mixed messages our respective genders put out into the cosmos. What do you say? Are you with me? No tricks or backroom deals here.

The Trick is on our Kids if we don't straighten up

If we are to truly make an impact for ourselves and those impressionable to our every move…we need to be honest with one another abut what we are truly facing. This, to me, is not about religion or spirituality. This is about day-to-day meteorites hurled through our communities and into the minds-eye of our children. I have been tricked in my day and probably the producer of a few myself. I, like many of you, have taken what I thought to be good information from the opposite sex and acted accordingly. I have incorporated better listening skills, I have worked to restrain my genders obsession with “fixing” things when an ear is all that’s needed, I have taken the lead at the junction of passion and justice demonstrating leadership and protection for those in need, and I have demonstrated domestic abilities that just might shatter the Mr. Mom/Michael Keaton soliloquy of the 80’s.

Are You Doing Your Part Guys?

Yes, I have done a lot of good and a lot of bad in my day. I am guilty of working hard at the above and expecting even more in return. I am that human being! Know any?

I have ridden the great Trojan Horse into relationships looking strong and confident while domestically delicate when the occasion calls…only to turn around and expect the same level and display of love and compassion from my partner. Fair? Maybe to some, but in the spirit of laying it “all” on the table…not fair. How is it that I can be fair in relationship negotiations if I have an ulterior motive that gets me the “deal” and sets me up for failure to deliver on the agreed upon contract.

It really is simple when you boil it all down. It isn’t something that Oprah or Dr. Phil or your great Aunt Sue can tell you that will be the end all be all. Can you realistically expect others to “follow” you when you don’t even trust yourself? Think about it…if I am approaching relationships trying to be and expect the best, in the beginning, only to change course and expect more of my partner than I do of myself then what am I really doing? Can I even begin to understand the messages I am communicating and am I fair to this other, well-intentioned person?

Because if I cannot then I sure won’t be able to handle the outcome if my partner actually “comes through” and improves their actions and/or behavior. Which reminds me…the other day I entered my local YMCA to take a Pilates class with my fiance. It was to be my second class ever and I had been pleasantly surprised at the number of men in the room.

Anyone up for a Personality Stretch?

Calm, peaceful, a feeling of acceptance that was much more relaxing than the Peacocks and Silver Backs just steps away grunting for bench press supremacy. Don’t get me wrong…I have my strutting moments too 😉  But today was to be relaxing and a sign of commitment to my partner that her activities are important to me too. Well….halfway into the class the instructor demonstrates a stretch that she warns isn’t too feminine to the guys in the room. I appreciated her thoughtfulness and left it at that. Not so said the 20-something female two rows back who proceeded to laugh and look at the guys in the room during the stretch. I glanced over…saw another guy visibly irritated and I thought…

“What does this woman expect from us? Aren’t we showing that we are evolved?”

Looking back I almost wish I would have said something because I am still thinking about it two days later. A time and place I guess, but it begs the question of both genders: Why is it that we trick each other? When the other sex is doing what we want we aren’t prepared to swing back around and improve ourselves or acknowledge the effort of the other. It can be very perplexing and challenges men (in reference to the Pilates class) to wonder what women really want. And, are women approaching the situation in a thoughtful manner or are they too setting up girls to unknowingly trick males like many of their mothers do.

Case in point—TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras–for those of you who have not seen the show it is almost as disturbing as watching an episode of COPS.

Skewed Reality in Childhood...Broken Expectations in Adulthood

What? Really? I am serious!! To watch girls, I mean toddlers, parade around in flashy outfits, sporting fake teeth (on last night’s show!), and shaking their bodies in a sexually suggestive manner troubles me. I am troubled that these girls and their agents, I mean mothers, actually believe that there is benefit in supporting the very stereotypes that lead to eating disorders, a false sense of self, and misconceptions of what love and beauty are and how to attain them.

How will these young girls think about relationships and what to expect from them and the men they will be involved with? Their skewed sense of reality only supports the negative stereotype that women only want a Mrs. degree and to be pampered…which only supports men in their belief that they are only valued for what they can produce for the family financially. It can be a wicked system that requires honesty and real-time Feedback from both genders.

We all play a role in understanding what each gender wants in a relationship…for the good and the bad. Some women want to be treated like a princess when they act less than and some men expect dutiful women who pay daily homage to their fragile egos. Both foolish and both disrespectful for one another.

So I ask you…as we look at what women want in a man…What does your gender do to weaken your argument and what do you estimate is the fallout for the next generation?

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

What Do Women Want in a Man?

Yes Dear?

It goes without saying that we men have cornered the market on stupidity. Have I gotten your attention now? If you are a follower of my blog you may be wondering why I am following my latest series on the Divorce Life-Cycle with a series on what women want from men. You might find me even wondering the same thing. Ah…hidden issues…nah. Maybe a deep and true desire to put the work into productive and loving relationships in my own life. Yeah…I like that better.

What I do know is that the question posed today is not unique nor earth shattering. In fact, slews of journalists, scientists, and yes the blogging community are and have been looking at this issue in a very extensive manner. What you will read will be from evolutionary psychologists, hippies, and academics from all over the globe. You will find comparisons to chimps, movies by Mel Gibson, and acts of theater like the poster above from the U.K. As individuals and societies we are fascinated with what women want, how to obtain their glance, and how to secure it for relationship purposes. And, you know what? I am fascinated too! I, though want to take a different approach.

I want to talk about these needs, the bogus and hypocritical, and the sensible ones that men should know about. I am a tad tired of men who throw their hands up and say, “Women” in an exasperated fashion.

Is it all about women’s needs? No. It is absolutely about the needs of both genders. The problem is that males have spent an eternity sending inappropriate and hurtful messages and our actions haven’t been a whole lot better. My challenge to all of the Normal Males out there is to help me define what we think women want, what we think is fair, and how we are going to be a part of the solution taking our needs and personal development first.

Why this approach you might ask? Because the young boys in our communities are provided very little, if any, direction on how to treat females and themselves in a productive and mutually fulfilling manner. What we have, to-date, promoted is carnal knowledge and “tricks” to obtain women for sexual prowess. We have been under the assumption that we need to prove something to women and then they will choose us.

In Need of a New Marketing Campaign?

What we have to prove remains debatable, but we sure can’t be docked for not trying to figure the puzzle out. Some men work on their bodies. Some work on their checkbooks and the image they can buy with an inflated bank account. You name it…men have tried it. Some of us have chosen academics to prove it is the brain and not the brawn that women want…and many haven’t even given it a thought, choosing to be unique while they wait for the doorbell to their mothers house to ring.

There will be men reading this that will attack me wanting to know why I am taking this approach. They will say it has nothing to do with women and I will say….“You’re Right!”

It absolutely is about how we conceptualize ourselves, what WE want to accomplish with our time here, and not about proving something to another human being because our mental health shouldn’t be tied to the opinions and directives of others. That sounds wonderful and it also sounds like a passionate undergraduate student who thinks they can and will create world peace. Until we better understand our fascination with mimicking the Peacock, we will struggle mightily to see that the pursuit of understanding ourselves with adequate reflection, insight, and collaboration is the real quest…not the end result.

Posturing These Days?

We have seen how focusing on the end result or prize has worked out…like a train wreck! So…what to do and how to approach the question of what women want…hmmm.

I think that the prudent thing to do would be to look at this issue as a negotiation between you and yourself, you and the opposite gender, and you and society. I think it best to avoid the academic jargon…to leave behind our ever impressive resumes, and talk about this issue in a real-world manner…How does it impact me and what do I want to do about it…and do I really care? These are all fair questions that we have to ask ourselves because some men couldn’t care less what women want others desperately do.

So, with all of my protective caveats out of the way maybe I should start by sharing my personal thoughts and experiences. If I look back at my experience of this question I have to go back to when I was a boy and more specifically a 1st Grader in Troy Michigan. I was best friends with a boy who was from Peru, a great soccer player, and very different from the average white boy fashioning a bright polo shirt with upright collar. No..he was unique…he had an accent…and was athletic. That is right he was the competition and I was glad he was my friend. I figured, “Cute and desirable by affiliation.” That is me of course 😉  With these fundamentals in mind…me and my friend set out to protect the females in our class from bullies and the Bart Simpson’s of our grade and thus the playground became our testing ground.

You see many young girls had been given the message that men were their protectors from commercials, cartoons, movies, and some even from their families so we were set-up perfectly. Or so we thought. We quickly learned that the most popular girls actually liked some of the boyish blundering by our classmates and we soon became relegated to a role…a position…which was of value to the girls I might add…just not the value we were hoping for. It became my first lesson in assuming one thing and being whisked away in another direction. As I grew older I tried various approaches that were not of my temperament or personality and failed miserably…I think that is precisely what Middle School is for. I tried to be the cool guy, the tough guy, the “ahh that doesn’t bother me” guy…and I found that I knew less and less about my self as I went down a path for the acceptance of females.

Please don’t feel bad for me or think I am the only one…fore fear not my experience was Normal even if emotionally painful. I, like so many males, was alone in my pursuits and worse yet very much alone when I failed. I didn’t have an audience around me that could console my personal shame and embarrassment when I looked more like a failure than a rock star.

What are we doing wrong?

Like most Normal Males I was never taught to ask for feedback, to desire feedback, or even how to take feedback from my peers let alone girls. We, males, are a lot like a scared cat always making sure that our heads are on a swivel because we fear that if not for us who will protect us. A lonely position I assure you and one that struggles to see the light of day for many well-intentioned and loving men.

There are legions of good men and boys who want to break the stereotypes for their own health first and for successful relationships later. We are tired of the old viewpoints and attitudes and we struggle greatly when observing young males making similar mistakes. We want to help. We need to help and we have no earthly idea how to collaborate. Normal Males realize the beauty in healthy companionship and too wonder why they struggled so mightily to figure it out.

So…in an effort to be thoughtful and mindful of the question at-hand…I propose that we start with something I have already referenced above…Feedback.

I suggest that we look at Feedback as the first variable in examining what women want. Guys…if we can’t tackle the issue of Feedback we have no business pining for women and relationships in the first place. If we can discuss the importance of and our experiences with Feedback then we can begin to look at hardcore elements that support both genders in a relationship.

So…share with me your thoughts on the importance of Feedback, for both genders, and we will then begin to build a framework of substance…one that promotes women AND men with the younger generations in mind.

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Final Stage in the Divorce Life-Cycle-Emancipation

Divorce is Painful

Collectively, we are skidding to a stop…a place of wishful exultation for we have reached a muddy and slick patch of earth that may have left us a bit dirty, but Emancipated from the thralls of relationship peril.

We have gone through the rinse or should I say Divorce Life-Cycle and experienced just about every emotion known to our species. We have shared our dirty laundry with everyone from our hair stylist to our dear ole’ deaf Aunt Betty and probably even to our furry friends who just want a clean litter box or a walk around the block.

The Divorce Life-Cycle has not been easy and you are ready to be free of any political, social, or legal constraints and you want to be free…NOW!

The Divorce Life-Cycle:

1. Irritation
2. Contemplation
3. Irrigation
4. Condemnation
5. Reconciliation
6. Emancipation

The problem? Well…feeling free of the worry and pain isn’t as relieving as we might have thought. Just because we have come to a decision does not mean that we are not susceptible to getting back on the merry-go-round and going for another spin. Marriage is complicated and deciding where to go when a fork appears…well daunting.

Has Your Marriage Got You Up In-Arms?

We all enter and exit the Divorce Life-Cycle at different times. Sometimes we feel like we have control of when and how we get on the merry-go-round and other times we feel pushed like a Hallmark holiday that begrudgingly forces us to celebrate another p.c. holiday when we really want to stomp off and AWAY from our spouses.

Normal people experience the cycle on a basis more regular than Metamucil users at after a local carnival. If you feel regular and have gained wisdom through the treachery of a struggling marriage then you have come to a conclusion that Emancipation lies within. It may appear to come in the form of a divorce decree or spending sprees on jeans no one should pay for or ice cream stops and infomercials on the couch at 2:00 a.m. Any way you slice it, an adjustment period will be Normal and is imperative to a safe landing in the future. If Emancipation means divorce to you then it should not encompass bitterness or parental positioning because you really do not want to see your children make the same ill-fated choices you and your partner did.

For others, Emancipation means that they have chosen to re-commit to their marriage without the chains that had previously restrained purposeful communication, love, and affection. And to those of you who have been successful in freeing past transgressions…I applaud you. By re-committing to your partner you have obviously come to the conclusion that there remains substantive qualities about your partner and your union that can and will prosper with fair amounts of water and sunlight. The scorecard has been settled and signed off like a golfer pledging honest scoring practices to the gallery and you are certain that when challenges resurface you have the elements in place to succeed.

Too often, though, individuals and couples re-confirm their commitment levels through public statements. They go back to those who unwittingly collected their dirty laundry and spin the outcome like a great political come-back win. We can’t all be Truman in 1948, but our renewed sense of excitement begs to differ as we surprise the masses with fodder drenched with tones of reconciliation, and presidential pardons.

All well and good…BUT…if we are to be successful in personally emancipating our fears and remaining with our spouse then we need not be afraid to regularly check for relationship blood-sugar levels. You have to determine if you can, honestly, approach your relationship with a proactive attitude and level of understanding for yourself and yourself in marriage and more importantly what you need in the relationship to be healthy.

You may find your honest answer to these questions hard to come by and even harder to put into practice. Remember…you now have a legion of friends and supporters who have seen the light and also believe your spouse is bad medicine. And, you may find that these friends, if divorced, will not take too kindly to your back-and-forth approach.

Women have Celebrated Divorce From Men for a Long Time

Be prepared that those around you, in the wake of your sharing, will think you need therapy and they may not be quite so supportive as in the past. This is Normal and sadly a significant part of the process. Just as when you were struggling, your friends opinions serve to challenge your assumptions, shake off temporary improvements, and assist you in determining the next chapter in your relationship. My warning would be this…just because you may think your friends are down-playing your new pain-free life doesn’t mean you should become a recluse with your spouse to maintain this new-found pleasure. Hiding away from your community only further supports the notion that your on-again stage will be off-again faster than you think.

Take control of your life and work diligently to build back your confidence in yourself first…then you can make the determination as to what freedom truly means. Your children are looking to you for guidance and what they need is a parent and adult that fully understands the layers of marriage and divorce. You will come out in the end a happier person and one who can fully commit to either your spouse or your next relationship. Be good to yourself—you deserve it!

My hope is that by going through the Divorce Life-Cycle you have found the human qualities of marriage needed to be successful and the actions and decisions for long-lasting love and companionship.

All The Best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

The Divorce Life-Cycle Stage 5: Reconciliation

Who said going through the Divorce Life-Cycle was difficult? I mean all we have had to do is deal with Irritation. We have been left to Contemplate our lives as they presently stand and judge them against an unknown but tantalizing future. We have been thrown to the laws of Irrigation where we work to bring back our desert like relationship to one lush with vegetation and promise…only to be swung back to the depths of Condemnation because we unwittingly set up our spouses for failure because we expected them to make reparations for ALL of their past transgressions.

Which means…we have reached the…well…not the end, but a time when we desperately want an end. Reconciliation. To restore relations with another party…yet the trick is on all of us. Sure, we come to a place in the Divorce Life-Cycle where we dust off the hurt, the mistrust, and the unabridged history of our marriage and we peer back to a time when all that mattered was being with your spouse because you felt fueled by their presence.

A time that was not fraught with discord or required a full-time translator or even bogus trips to “you-name-it-store” on a Saturday to just get you closer to Monday and away from your spouse. The Reconciliation stage is one that can make you weep in desperation because you always wanted to love your spouse. You never imagined a time that could feel so physically awful. You balance back-and-forth with your love, your decision, and your communications with those that care from the sidelines. For once in your life you might even feel like a Hollywood couple whose tale of marriage becomes talk show fodder for all to have……and it begs the question…

Are you prepared to give your marriage one last shot?

If you are to give your relationship another go, how far are you going to swing the marriage pendulum before it becomes impossible to recognize you or your spouse? This should become your marital compass. Your weight loss plan that aims to keep your day-to-day as Normal as possible because altering everything about your relationship only sets you up for failure later on. How many of us have either done it ourselves or watched others yo-yo diet because a new fad was in play. If you truly want to understand the cost-benefit of Reconciliation with your spouse you are going to have to look right-side-up and understand that Reconciliation can only begin when you apply it to….YOURSELF!

“Reconcile with Yourself and you can Reconcile Your Past, Present, and Future.” -Dr. Rod

If you have been fooling yourself this whole time thinking that it will all work out and he/she will come around then you should be diagnosed and treated for Wishful Thinking…because you have gone outside of the marriage, during the Condemnation stage, and shared all of your dirty laundry or at least your version with friends and family…you may have pushed your marriage and spouse to the outer limits where not even the coolest i-phone app can bring you back.

Reconciliation should be focused on you…by you…for you…and then for the good of the marriage. It should not mimic a Spring cleaning check list of items pushed to the side like a teenager who hates broccoli.  A checklist that has more items linked to your sex life in an effort to revisit the courting stage will fade faster than your spray tan and yet most couples trying to work “it” out think that taking their clothes off will reshape and rejuvenate the gravitational pull of one another.

Not so. Not even close. For the man in that space you will discover an animalistic being who thinks that being “good” in the marital bed will have you craving him like old times. And, women who partake in this form of Reconciliation can be found hoping to be something in the bedroom that they have never been nor want to be…to give him what they think he wants and needs. The result…two unhappy people who engaged intimately with mixed results, awkward snuggling, and sometimes regret for an act not bore from love, but from hopeless desperation.

If your marriage has any hope for birthing anew it has to come from each of you. It has to be personal and somewhat confidential…and that is Normal. No one person is wrong in the fall of a marriage (minus domestic violence offenders) and no one marriage can sustain or grow without individual work for future collaboration.

Are you willing to look at the different iterations of yourself throughout the marriage…reconciling your part in the good times and in the dismantling of something now wrought with disdain? If you can then you increase your odds of predicting the future. You will have to look back at the different and evolving versions of yourself, your challenges and successes, and those times when you might not have been too proud of your behavior. You will come to understand the difference between needs and wants. You will begin to see how you have or have not matured as a person, a spouse, and as a parent. And, you will be better prepared to have conversations with your spouse and those you dumped your dirty laundry on without sounding like a broken and annoying record.

You may find that you are ready to re-commit or you might discover that divorce is truly the only loving course of action for you both. It will not be easy and it will not come without painful conversations and realizations. If you are choosing divorce you have to prepare yourself for a spouse that you have never experienced before because emotional pain can alter ones personality in the moment and cause commentary ripe with accusation and left-field thinking.

Reconcile your actions and feelings…take into consideration those of your spouse with forgiving undertones and if…if you come out on the other side with practical and loving reasons for marital Reconciliation then go for it. This means that you have been honest with your role. You have been honest about your reactions and demands…and you have been honest with those around you because if you are going to make it work you both are going to need your friends and family now more then ever. Remember that during the Condemnation stage you ripped your spouse to the public in hopes that they would support only you and share their support down the chain like a multi-level marketing scam where reaching out helps your friends and helps YOU even more.

You will get naysayers who will relish in reminding you of what you said in haste all the while wrapping their self-serving opinion into their diatribe. Find support from those in your life who understand life isn’t always black-and-white. Be productive in your attempts to re-solidify a marriage from the ashes of blame and sadness. Reach out to professionals who understand the dilemma before you and couples who, like you and your wife, are Normal and understand that some fault-lines may be cause for concern, but not relocation.

I would be lying if I said that marital Reconciliation works for all couples. For some it does and for those couples…I applaud you and wish you continued success in your ever-evolving courtship. For others, like myself, Reconciliation led me in a new direction…one filled with acceptance and forgiveness for myself and my ex-wife. Reconciling my part helped me land in a new world that is both fulfilling and challenging…two ingredients that remind me of what I have and what I need to do to maintain success in the future. Don’t be scared to look in the mirror…you might like yourself more than you think.

Check in tomorrow as we wrap up our look at the Divorce Life-Cycle and discuss the role of Emancipation in our relationship with…ourselves.

Wishing you the best!

Dr. Rod
Rod Berger, PsyD The Normal Male

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